Stagnation can always be a problem during difficult times. When one goes to work, one has a routine to follow, something to live for, people to interact with and goals to reach in life. When you are ill, the monotony of life, the lack of direction and the inability to see a future becomes the staple of ones thoughts. Changing the way one looks at everything, and I do mean everything, is important. Every single, minute detail that makes up the bubble you live in is up for negotiation. Everything you used to hold dear, every thought, practice or indeed every dream you ever had has to be part of any deal with yourself, to move forward in your life, and those it effects, in order to walk out of the haze, that illness produces. That haze is very real, it descends upon every inch of your person, it is physical and it is a thick, dark fog that clouds your entire life.
So what can you do. One has to shake away the cloud that has followed you for days at the very least, months, even years at worst. That is of course easier said than done, because just like my Bipolar Relapse needed a trigger, so does recovery need a trigger. I can't really describe what the trigger was to bring me back from the brink, but I guess you can call it realisation.
I was lying in bed, after days without sleep again. My medication was doing my head in and I didn't know where to turn, who to speak too and basically what to do. I was finishing a few emails and writing my blog, when I came across an email from The Retail Trust. I thought, what's the harm, what is the worst that could happen, after all Darren, you have to start trusting in someone. So I rang them. As I began to talk to those at the other end of the phone, that thick haze began to lift literally. I was given half an hours free counseling, by one of the best people I have ever spoken too. Understanding, she seemed like she had been here before. She then gave me all the advice, I could have ever needed or wanted. Then she gave me the most important contact, Mind, more importantly, Solent Mind!
I'm not sure if any of you really understand what it is like, being alone, under circumstances beyond your control, but it is hard. When you truly do feel alone, you know it. At times it can be scary and sometimes it can be a burden, a weight that you just carry around with you. Of course, I have never really been alone, I have more friends now, than I ever have had, but that does not stop the feelings of loneliness. Whichever way you turn, you come up against brick walls, great big, fuck off walls of silence and walls of inaction. Walls, walls, bloody walls, that you just can't break down
So what about now, what have I decided, because, yes, it is now about me and the decisions I have to make for myself, my partner, friends and all those who have supported us through these hard times.
Well firstly I am fighting. I am still battling illness, though more fighting fit now, than I ever have been. I am still battling my circumstances, but have made choices on that level too. I will be returning to work very soon. I have too for my own sanity and bank balance.
My dreams are still there, the time scale is still the same and my aims and goals have not changed at all. I just have to do what is right for everyone. I can then look after my partner, along with all of our friends who continue to do so with me.
My friends are the first ones I will be repaying a great debt of gratitude too. They have been great, wonderful, all I could ask for. As soon as I am well and able, I will be there helping them and making sure they and others never have to suffer what we have been through.
This is important. Nobody should ever have to go through what we have been through again. It will be sorted!
Future is uncertain, at least long term. Short term, sorted mate! Today I feel mighty fine, so watch it! The old Darren is back and raring to go!