I have been on Aripiprazole for about three weeks now. It is essentially a mood stabilizer, and should be a first step in finally getting me the medication I need and deserve, after such a long time of suffering. Of course my suffering is not the traditional kind. People who have debilitating terminal illnesses sufferer excruciating pain every day. My pain is different. On occasion I do have physical pain, but the pain is essentially an unsettled and ill mind, which is why others can not feel your pain in the same way. Mental illness is hidden, rarely talked about and little understood by the majority of the population. Part of this blog will add a human face to mental illness and will hopefully generate understanding, not sympathy, just pure understanding, that is all I ask!
My first week was great, really great. EVERYDAY, I FOUND SOMETHING ELSE TO DO, FROM HOUSEWORK, TO WRITING. The medication is somewhat logical. I am doing things in a very logical sense, without really knowing the real reasons why. Arranging things like plants and books in height order. It was also very difficult to keep still. I was forever on the go. Moving all the time. Whenever I sat still, It was for no longer than five minutes. I started to get irritable and just wanted to get up and do something else again. I wasn't sure if that was my mind, or the physical effects of the meds. Anyway I have washed, cleaned and cooked most things during that first week. Non stop, I have been working non stop and I don't really know why. The pills were fantastic, what more could one ask for. I was genuinely happy and content and looking forward to a brighter future!
Things never work out as they are supposed to do they. Week two was a nightmare. Sleep, what sleep. I had no sleep. If I did, it was brief, fleeting and slight. I probably missed it, and this just made me even more irritable. During the next seven days, I probably had no more than six, broken hours sleep. I am an extremely light sleeper anyway, barely passing REM sleep on most nights, so this was challenging. Very challenging!
I was still getting up, doing chores but I was fading quickly. I felt sick and weak, all the time. I was sweating constantly, especially when I did fall asleep. I was having the most appalling nightmares, beyond anything I had ever seen before and my temper, by God, my temper was terrible. I was shouting and screaming at anyone and everyone. I tried to keep out of the way most of the time, but even that didn't work towards the end, so I booked myself into a hotel for the night, so I could at least try and sort my poorly head out, which I did with some degree of success!
Week three, this week, is the worst so far. I will go so far as to say, I am finding it really rather difficult to cope. The sleep is worse, even with prescribed Zopiclone, sleeping tablets. I am sleeping so little, I am surprised I am still functioning. This blog helps and gives me the motivation to keep going, but it is so hard at the moment.
I have physical pain in my legs, all the time. I have Restless Leg Syndrome, which also effects the right side of my body, and I am constantly moving, all the time, non stop, even when I am sat down or asleep, I am moving god damn it. It is quite embarrassing for me to be in a room full of people, with your leg, constantly moving up and down, side to side and me giving it the occasional thump. Most of those who visit us know how ill I am anyway, so they do not give a toss. It is more about me and the way I feel, which is not great.
So this is me on Aripiprazole and Zopiclone, three weeks on. This is about as medical as this blog will get, so make the most of it and thanks again for keeping on reading!
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Peace and love, always!