Southampton holds too many bad memories for us now. Any future we could look forward too, must be away from this City. In my head, there was no where too far away, that we could look to restarting what essentially was the remnants of our shattered life. We both decided on Spain. We dearly love the Country, its people and the way of life. So Spain it is! At least we both agreed on that. Essentially, that is where the agreement ended. Jason and myself, have always disagreed on most things in life, not majorly and like any strong couple, we always end up compromising somewhere along the line.
I have been given the task of selling everything. Yes, everything. Our entire life time together and my life before we met in 1995. That is some task. Unless you know me well enough, you wont understand what a hoarder I am. I hoard everything, I always have done.
So far, so good. I have already sold some large pieces. I have also arranged for a valuer to come to Capri, to value a life times collection of art work. I have always loved art and have been collecting pictures and paintings for years. Some art work better than others, and due to their meaning in my life, I will find all this stuff difficult to part with. It is something I am prepared to do, as this will be the last move we will ever make as a couple and it really is time for a new start.
I have begun to tell people exactly what has happened, because in truth, not many people really know or understand. Explaining the truth can be a bind. People look at you in disbelief, don't understand or think you are exaggerating, well my lovelies, it is none of those things. It is the truth! We will have to live with it for a life time and we are not prepared to stay here, in the very place where it happened and endure those awful memories.
I am ready to go now, just tell me when and I'll be there!
So, as time rolls on, it's time to get selling and keep selling, until everything is gone. If you need anything, for a new flat or a first home together, just private message me, we have loads of stuff here and it all has to go. Today, I no longer hold any emotional attachment to anything here at Gay Capri. Most of it will help to fund a new adventure. The most important thing is to move away from the pain of the last five years. We have battles still to fight, but at least we have began the task of removal and renewal!
As the magnitude of our situation continues to sink in, it is inevitably that my health will suffer. Whether I do nothing or force my body ever harder to get the desired outcome, further deterioration will happen eventually. I am well able to process information and deal with complex issues. I do not need patronising or confusing messages of direction at this time. I just need the support of people, who genuinely know me and want to see what is best for myself and Jason, not jumbled words of 'DO NOTHING'. That has not helped me or my state of mind so far. In reality it has delayed a process that should have been started long ago.
So not a good week for health. It is another one of those weeks that I will not remember. Another week I have just slept through, sedated to within an inch of my life, but a week where I have started to make decisions for myself and reluctantly accepted that things are not going to turn out like a fairy story, with tears of happiness. It is going to be a hard slog, up hill all the way, bullets flying in every direction, but because I have faith, I know the truth will come out in the end. In the long term, no matter how battered, bruised and old I am. No matter how ill I may end up. No matter how fragile life may become, I will always have the pleasure of knowing what myself and Jason have done is correct, right, true and the only course of action we could have ever chosen.
Once again, thank you to Jay for being there and cooking my only real cooked meal all week. He has truly shown what a decent, honourable and loving friend he is. I will not mention those words too often, as I know how much he hates it, but I do love him with all my heart.
Jamie, you gorgeous boy. You bought tears to my eyes this weekend, in a way, you only know how too! Where ever we are in the future, you will always play an important part in our lives. We may not be a car ride away, but you can always get on a plane and join us on whatever new road we are embarking on. I will miss your smiley face and will always have the memories of your laughter. If I am distant now, it is because I don't want you to feel the pain I am feeling.
It is true that I do distance myself from people at times like this, especially when one makes monumental decisions, designed to change ones life for good. I do not want anyone trying to dissuade me from my resolve. As wheels are set in motion and there is no going back, I know that distance between myself and friends will change. The choices I have made today, have to remain steadfast. These adoptions are the path to a greater sense of being, as well as an endeavour to do things differently, correctly and without hesitation.