I remembered going to the beach with my Grandad. I must have been no more that seven or eight. Throwing stones over the water. He could always skim them along the top of the gently moving waves. I was useless, no co ordination. Sitting, watching the sun go down on a Summers evening. Innocent times, not scared by time. I would sit at one end of the beach, while Granddad took the dogs for a walk, further up the stoney outlook.
The innocence of childhood. Love was given freely. A hug from my Nan, always made me feel safe. I would natter on, talking to her for hours. She was a strong, powerful woman, but she had a heart, so big, that it cradled her love for her family. Such a large family, long since gone. I will always cherish the memories. Makes my body feel so warm, so secure, so loved. I would do anything to hug her right now. I miss those times. Everyone seemed so happy, happy to be around family. Little money, just the nurturing bonds of ties that should never have been broken.
I often think, what would have become of my life, if I hadn't grown apart from my family. Would I be happier, could things had turned out differently. I was so stubborn! I was always looking for an excuse to walk away. I think, when I look back, the problem was me. My family would have loved me, no matter who or what I was. I just could not manage to accept myself, my mistakes and my hurt. Turning the negativity in my life on its head. Blaming everyone else for the turmoil and pain, that I felt everyday.
I never told my Nan I was Gay. It's strange, she was such a camp Lady, so approachable, always willing to listen, yet, I just could not bring myself to tell her about the person I was. Scared of rejection, I just pushed, further and further. Away from every part of my life. I never once mentioned, the things I wanted to. I kept the real me hidden so far away, that I became out of reach, untouchable, unable to get hurt. Yet everyday I wished so much to say, I'm sorry, I love you, I miss you so much. I just could not let my Nan see the real me.
When life becomes difficult and challenging, it is natural to want a hug, a kiss on the forehead or a few words of reassurance. Family bonds should always last the test of time. When those deep, purposeful connections break, it shatters a life time of memories. It's so much easier to run away and keep running, from the life I once cherished so much. Ignoring the ties of family, the dreams of childhood and the hopes, so dashed. Emotions, become pointless, forgotten and treated with such indignation. Locked away, somewhere in the dark recess of my mind, somewhere there are thoughts of joy and love, innocent boyhood wonder, laughter and tears. Shut away, never to be opened again. Remembered only on nights like this.
The World is indeed a wonderful place. As one gazes into the night, looking back through time, seeing the same stars I saw, so many years ago, I do feel thankful for the glorious days I spent, with all my family, wherever they are. There were bad times, but I had so much fun, was shown so much love, yet I destroyed the hopes and ambitions of all of them. My needs were very different to my successful family. I could have never kept a pace with their aspirations, for me, my life and my future. All I ever wanted was a relationship, with someone I loved, forever. Growing old and insane together. Caring for them as much as they did for me. Laughing together, crying together and sharing everything with each other. Well I managed to achieve, all I ever desired. The rest is history as they say. Lost opportunities and forgotten thoughts of success.
It is a lovely night tonight. Like so many nights, gone untold, ignored or passed by without a second thought. Some nights capture a unique moment in our lives, and tonight, much happiness, thoughtful contemplation and questions of a life time, have flooded back into the words on a page. Emotional, provoking and powerful. The wonders of life, the paths we take, the choices we made, the people we met, the obstacles we faced, all flooding back, as if it was only yesterday.
Our future is in the stars, from where we all come from. Everything looks so peaceful and glorious from down here, yet the Universe is a dynamic, unexplored and hostile place. Just like my head, it can be the most retched of places, yet the beauty of the mind, even a scarred one like mine, can offer the escape we all desire, into an untapped resource of vibrancy and enlightening ideas and muses.
I used my mind tonight, for positivity, reassurance and reflection. I haven't done that in a while. I quite like it!