It's funny, when one looks back of the path of ones life, one never believes, just where those windy roads would lead. The more twists and turns one has to endure, the more one learns. Oh boy one learns. A lot has happened to myself and Jason over the years, but we are both fully aware, that the tougher things get, the stronger we become and the more determined to battle our way through, we expect. I suppose we take whatever life throws our way, on the chin, time and time again. Everyone's life has up's and down's. There are people much worse off than us. We are both alive and kicking, still carrying on and facing some huge obstacles. Should we just crumble during these testing times, or should we use the power behind them to regrow, and reconstruct our lives, in order to regain peace.
Trying times, always show just how far we have come as a couple, and just how lucky we are, having so many friends around us at this time. Still there, listening to our woes, still helping us through troubled times and equally suffering as we are. Loyalty and bravery in the face of adversity is a true mark of integrity and honour. Just because someone is suffering, it does not make them any less a person. In fact these are the times people end up becoming the person they were always meant to be.
Many people have surprised me over the last four months especially. That is more to do with my cynical view of others and my inability to see people as friends rather than someone else who just takes. I give, god how I give, but that has never stopped others from taking. A lot of people have no morals and will always continue taking from others. Well that is them, that is not me. Whatever you say about my reactions, words and deeds, you will always get honesty, loyalty and help should you need it. Nothing expected in return, just a willingness to help those I hold in regard at difficult times. If someone had helped me when I needed it, things may have been very different in my life. People didn't, so I had to do it myself. I grew stronger, I became independent, unafraid of battles and always willing to fight for what I believed in. Point blank, I have integrity!
I have fought a lot of fights, won a few and lost a few, but I always relish the chance to prove others wrong, because I know I have right on my side. I have always fought to change things. From those early days, when I joined the now defunct 'Anti Nazi League', to campaigning for equal rights, with 'Stonewall'. If I truly believe in a cause I will always fight its corner. If one looks past ones self, one can see the pain others are going through. I have more than some, a lot less than most but a hope that I will still achieve whatever I set my heart too. Fighting and battling always comes from the heart. In many cases there is no logic to conflict, but if you believe it is right to do, then fight and fight until there is nothing left.
I am lucky of course, I do have a partner of twenty years and that allows me to champion, not only my cause, but also that of my partners. Today I am much stronger than Jason and am just waiting for the 'on button', the opportunity to show others exactly what I am made of. I am sick of fighting for others who show no signs of helping themselves, but I keep doing it. In many ways it detracts from what I have to go through, but it also allows me to grow that thick skin, bullish nature and feisty attitude, that has seen us right thus far.
This last year has been challenging, to say the least and for that reason, I have to see these bad times through, to their final conclusion. Giving up midway would only irritate me and I would forever think WHAT IF? My battle lines are drawn, and I will not turn down this fight, for anything, but others need to know how far they are prepared to go. I have a goal. I admit that goal has changed as circumstances flip flop, but ultimately that aim remains stead fast and resolute. If I were a religious man, you would call it destiny, what I am here for or my purpose in life. As I am not religious, I would just call it my moral calling.
Physically I am fit enough to take on challenges. I am capable to making lucid decisions and I am well aware of how far I have come and how far there is to go. I am aware of what I need to do.
I am approaching these difficulties, very differently from I did in the past. No more threats and aggression, just sitting and waiting, until the time is right to show my cards. I am well aware of what the eventual outcome will be, I am just unsure about how much change will result.
Myself and Jason will not stay here now, that is for sure. If anything we have reached a point of no return. We will be leaving Capri at some stage, to forge a new life. Not quite sure how different life will be, but that will all depend on the outcome, as yet uncertain.
This situation has bought forward my dreams and aspirations, made me think outside the box and aim high. These are positive days for myself. I have seen much hurt and pain, but I have also seen a strong network of friends grow ever stronger. I have seen true friendship flourish and I have experienced loyalty and love like never before. Can't be all bad.
They we have it, thoughts for today. Today is a good day. A day for thinking, a day for reflecting on the past and looking forward to an uncertain future. If I can take you all on the rest of my journey, I will. If not, my door will always be open.
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