I have personally had a great time over the last few days, although I have this feeling I am going to get shouted at soon, so I have hidden myself away in the bedroom. Never apologize for enjoying yourself. God knows I have had very little enjoyment in recent times, so these last few months should be special, with people I really care about. I do actually care about the people I am leaving behind and I know they care about me. I am not a shrinking violet and will not just fade away. At the very least, I want fond memories to take away with me. I need to rid myself of these horrendous times, with laughter and conversation with those we hold dear!
I guess sometimes, I can be too happy for some people. However, before you judge my need to have some enjoyment in my life, first understand my illness, what I have been through and my need for friendships that matter. If I am truly honest, don't judge me at all, look at yourselves first and foremost.
Since when has happiness been a crime anyway!
S J Storrar!
This week we invited our S J over. I have a lot of affection for this girl, that goes back a long way. Whenever I have spent time in the company of S J, we have always enjoyed each others company. There are a lot of other people who judge both myself and S J, purely on the issues we both face every day of our lives. Who gave them the right to judge anyone, anyway?
Over the last six months, I have learned not to judge anyone, least of all those, who have done nothing to hurt me. In fact in the case of S J, nothing could be further from the truth.
We have both suffered the indignity of illness, lies and theft, yet still battle on, through the trials and tribulations of a small, inward looking scene. We are both judged for our failings relentlessly and poisonous untruths are always being rolled out. No wonder why I am so exhausted from the pettiness of others lame excuses!
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I am not sure why other individuals have to offer an opinion on either S J or me in any case. What the hell has our lives got to do with anyone, but those who lead them. Butt out!
The most important factor in friendship, is honesty. Over these last few days, I have discovered where honesty was and will always remain. Also, sadly I have been pointed out the reality of making wrong choices and being manipulated by others lies about people they call friends.
My choices may not be yours, but have the common decency to accept them.
I have spent some memorable times with S J over the time I have known her. A small intimate group of people, who understand each other. No bitching, no drama.
S J has lifted my spirits and always shown Jason and I respect. I have asked nothing of her, her of us. She is genuine, not faultless but will, like me, accept her failings. Total admiration for all those things!
Why on Earth should any of us justify who we are to anyone. I am fed up with the constant criticism for my choices in life, when others should be looking at themselves. I admit my failings. I am just trying to get on with my life at a difficult crossroads. Like S J, I am not child and am well aware of the consequences.
I am sure, many of you can detect a slight edge of anger in my writing this evening, well you would be right. There is. I do not want your morals and conventions thrown at me, when you all have your own houses to put in order. I have been through enough, without you telling me, how I should conduct my life. What gives you the right, whoever you are.
I am thoughtful, always willing to help, articulate and full of life. S J has many qualities I admire in others. I have also got many qualities, that are ignored or trashed, to justify their own failings. Leave us to sort out our own lives. I have said sorry if I have had too, I have accepted blame, but I will not accept blame for nothing more, than enjoying life. It's about time I did. Recovery depends on it!
There are some real friends in my life now, some are closer than others, mainly due to how much we have in common, our humour, level of acceptance and outlook on life.
Kirsty bought Baby Imogen round to stay the night. She is such an adorable little lady. I really had no idea, just how important this baby girl is, but she truly is for several reasons. Kirsty is a doting Mother. That maternal bond and more is well and truly established and the love of Mother and child is so strong, an absolute delight to see first hand.
I never thought we would have a baby at Capri, ever, but you know what it is something myself and Jason, would have loved to devoted our lives too. Unlike homosexuals today, back in the early 1990s there was no mechanisms in law open to us, for adoption or otherwise. Such a shame. A child really is the ultimate bond any parent could have. If anything I am glad we are witness to it now, rather than never. Proud of you Kirsty!
Always good to see Jack over here. He really is part of the family now. Everyone needs a Jack in their life. I often think he is the voice of reason, when all else fails.
He was a bit drunk to say the least, though when you are 25 years old, taking a week off to celebrate your Birthday, I guess alcohol remains an important role. Happy 25th again Jack!
As someone, who has no experience of children, i remain very hesitant when holding Imogen. At her age, she is so fragile, I don't feel able to hold her for too long. Maybe I'm a bit scared to be honest!
Jay, is a different matter. I have actually never seen any man as confident and more qualified to bring up a child of their own. I know Jay wants children, and you can see why. He knows exactly what to do and fits that perfect Dad profile, without exception.
I know he will achieve fatherhood. He deserves too!
Finally once again to SJ. We will certainly miss you. Your ambitions are deep within your heart and we know you will achieve all of them. You have come a long way. Like us the path that has directed you towards today, has been rocky and hard, but that will mean an even greater sense of achievement.
You will achieve all you set out to do. You have the support of your family and friends around you, always important and motivational.
You will succeed where others, including ourselves have failed and that will give you the direction you deserve and the push we all need in life.
You will always remain a close and supportive friend and we are grateful for that. Keep in contact and we will always be there for you x