Not had a lot of the Happy, nice and uplifting stuff recently. Not gonna go over the reasons why, since I've written about shit times enough in my life and most of you know the reasons why. A streamlined facebook, that's the biggest clue!
I've had a lot of bipolar highs. Was that true happiness? NO, not really. Just compensation for the lack of true feelings of joy. This is different! Bipolar makes it difficult to control emotions, so for many we stay emotionless. It's easier that way. No body wants to express the wrong emotion at the wrong time. I don't really want abuse or a punch. Well this old mental Queen is now dealing with real feelings, something I could have never done on medication. Apart from self monitoring my condition, there really isn't anything else I need to do.
Giving up meds six months ago was the first step. I could see, hear and smell things, I had long forgotten. The dreadful withdrawal symptoms were worth it, all of it. My relationship was rocky and volatile for a long time. Self medication, bad choices and rotten people, just some of the reasons why. I truly believed shed loads of pills were helping, like fuck were they. They made everything worse. They masked reality and yes they made me vulnerable. Jason left me on numerous occasions and for the first time my relationship became violent.
I changed the way I lived life and dealt with issues. I listened to the professionals and did not react as I had done so, so many times before. It wasn't until Christmas, that I finally realised, I had changed. I was no longer the person I was. I felt strong. Strong enough to remove destructive influences and just think about myself and Jason, who I have loved and continue to love after 20 years.
Positivity. That's always been a hard thing for me, but I am finding true optimism returning, more and more. Of course, I am not solely responsible for that. Having people around one, who care and truly, genuinely, without reservation help and encourage myself and Jason has been the biggest factor in attaining a sense of self worth and belonging. These people were always the ones who were good for me, It's just now, I can actually see it and cherish their friendships, without pushing them away or demanding more and more, like a petulent child! Making the correct choices and believing in them, is the biggest motivation for my current state of mind. Seeing what people were becoming and the consequences to come, scared me so much that it gave me the strength to remove, what I thought were real friendships. I had to! I've
never done something because I had to. I was always reckless and only thought about myself. Bugger what may happen. I was going to do what I want, even if it meant loosing my partner and at its worse, my life. Not any more, not on your life, not ever, fucking, ever again. The important things, people, aspirations and a future were back, and I am not letting them go again!
Marriage! Something I never thought I would be able to do in my life time. I am from the last generation, who truly felt the issues around discrimination and now, the world changed, while I was getting off it or high on such a huge dose of drugs to mask the true meaning of my life. Someone started a revolution and I can finally feel free. Free to be gay, free to fall in love, free to get married. This is the most import thing in my life now. I am sure Jason agrees. We can now be legal and the people we were born to be. To be able to express ones love for one another, in front of people we adore and respect, for
many different reasons, really makes one feel emotional. It's kinda, like the end of a really rocky road. Well, not really the end, the new positive me would say the beginning of the rest of our lives together. I am truly happy many of you will be with us on 22 September, 20 years to the day our unconventional relationship began.
It's good to know, that those who will share our day, will be there because friendship overcame my fears, illogical thinking, easily lead mind and abnormal behaviour. I am still building bridges. Sound foundations and past history are allowing me to
embrace, what I once lost. I am not, nor ever will be perfect, but with all your support, I know Jason and I will make it and this emotionless bitch would have finally found a heart and the courage to say I'm sorry.
This was two months ago. I was full of optimism for the future and happy with those around me. What a difference a few months made.
I should have never come off medication. Yes it felt good at the time, but in reality it masked the truth. My Bipolar has to be medicated, for my entire life. I should have relapsed within 3 months, I didn't, well maybe I did and I didn't know it. I have endured a campaign of harassment and bullying, from someone who I regarded as a friend, almost family. I was given more and more responsibility at work and I was coping with too much. The final nail came as I spoke up for myself, in front of someone who was victimising me, for daring to speak the truth. Sadly, it was one step too far.
I collapsed, physically and mentally. I knew the good times were finally up. My Bipolar reached Manic levels and with the threat of suicide again, my partner phoned the Police. I was put in a Police cell and had reached the bottom of a great 8 months.
Finally I was told the facts. Currently I am sedated for most of the day and await a final, new diagnosis, including possible ADHD, unheard of in my day, running along side Bipolar and whatever other Mental disabilities I may have. They are vast and many I'm sure. Today I hope to return to work and am positive about the future. Tonight my sedatives have been doubled and I have no idea how I will feel in the morning. I still have hope, a few good friends left and the unconditional love of my long suffering partner, who I adore as much today, as I ever have done!