A few weeks ago, I was Manic. More manic than I had been in a very long time. My heart was racing, my thoughts were hard to process at the same pace, my mind was on overdrive my body animated. Unless you can see that yourself, I am realising, you can really never have, any idea what others, in your vicinity are feeling.
Just before I was arrested, apparently I was all the things above and more. My Mania had reached such a dangerous phase, that my self belief was delusional. So much so, I was happy to jump off a bridge and end it all on a high. I would have done it too, if the Police, hadn't have stopped me!
I constantly worry about having happy or sad thoughts. I am always afraid where those thoughts will end. To an extent medication causes the extremes of anything to flat line. Medication can be so soul destroying for that reason. It takes away my creativity and stifles my abilities. Something I do not want.
It's been a few weeks since my relapse. I am still on sedatives and I am starting to slump, lower than I would like. Unlike most people, I find it very difficult to control moods, emotions, thoughts and tasks. At the moment while I await the right medication, I am doing what I can to stabilise myself.
I have been blogging, as I do so now. Writing always makes me happy. It allows me to interact with my own thoughts, as well as the outside world. putting ones inner most beliefs and convictions down on paper or on a forum allows me to often judge myself, at different stages of my life and indeed listen to others, who could maybe offer alternative philosophies and paths to take.
Keeping ones mind active is the most important thing for me. I can never start one task and complete it. Today for example I am multitasking in the extreme, and will probably finish, maybe one endeavour! I have always been that way. My head is so full of ideas, good intentions and 'things to do', that I want to achieve all of them, now, right this minute. Sometime the resulting muddle and confusion can cause everything to falter, sometimes one or two may succeed to differing degrees of success and rarely I achieve absolutely everything I set out to do! Thus far, today is pretty successful so far.
This morning I broke the TV, lost my keys, cigarettes, bank card and just wanted to go back to bed. So far I am awake and rushing around doing too much again and achieving more than I have done in recent times.
To analyse, what most of you regard as normal daily tasks, must seem odd to some of you. To me, it helps me discover who I am, what has happened and where I am heading, whilst all the time, trying to keep my head above the danger levels of Bipolar. Hope you all enjoy your day, I am!