I met Nat, through Jay over a year ago now, on a drunken night at Isobar and instantly felt comfortable in her company. Our lives were very different back then and now the roles have reversed completely. It really is funny what life throws our way at times, but this was a meeting, that only fate could have arranged. It was important that we met each other and I know just how different my life would have been, had I not.
When I relapsed for the first time in Easter, despite only knowing Natalee for a short while, she became the most important person in my life, after Jason. Despite studying at University and holding down three jobs, she was there for us, completely. Her University work did suffer and although I feel terribly guilty over this, I can safely say, this showed Natalee for the caring, selfless person, I had already began to see she was. After my arrest, next to Jason, hers was the first face I saw, when I was released. At that stage, I was more manic than I had ever been. I was dangerously ill and still on the verge of suicide, through trauma and relapse, she coped tremendously well. She stopped me leaving the house as I waited for emergency medication, shouted at me, In a way I actually took notice of and became a figure of authority, when I needed it most.
The effects of my condition are well documented on this blog and for me, I am still unable to read those entries that deeply disturb me and those around me. They are a record of Bipolar, relapse and illness, that were so deeply upsetting and dangerous, that only those who lived through it with me, can fully understand. Natalee took the full brunt of the consequences, from a time when neglect, falsehoods and lack of hope played the biggest part in my collapse, not once, or twice, but on three separate occasions. Smoke screens and mirrors were the order of the day and Natalee saw this. She experienced the suffering, constantly and like us became angry and concerned at what others had done to me. At times, her voice was stronger than mine and her support through being witness to the destruction that was being caused was so loud, even I can remember it.
The Post Traumatic Stress I suffered, not only affected me and will last a life time, but it also scared those close to us. That is a terrible thing to put those you love through, but with no help from anyone else, I had no option, I had to accept the inevitability, that I could not cope alone. Natalee shouldered much of that responsibility and I am grateful for that, She was incensed that this was allowed to happen, when just a few adjustments would have prevented this crisis. This fact, is something, I will never come to terms with and the strength I now have, in bucket loads, just serves to make me more angry each day. People like Nat see this everyday. Recently Natalee wrote her thoughts down for me, I believe the writing is extensive and when I am able, will accept them from her and publish them in this blog. Mistakes this serious, that cause ripples through out the lives of a whole network of friends and family are without doubt, the worst I have ever experienced. These facts will live with all of us, for many years to come.
Myself and Natalee's relationship has gained in strength, day after day. She has become another part of my diverse family, the daughter I should have had and the rock I relied on, Despite her own battles, she shared mine, with me and like all those I have written about become the stable force. needed for recovery. She gave me away at our Wedding, as an honour to her commitment and love at a time, when most would have ran for the hills.
Through all these words, I am writing about the great and good in my life, you can now of course see a pattern forming, can't you? I have gained so many close friendships, that I feel truly blessed. I wasn't alone, but rather surrounded by so much care and support, that until recently, I still couldn't quite believe. Through disgust and revulsion, others attempted to compensate for the out of control situation and all of them did mighty well. Natalee went through more than most, because once again in my then state of mind, familiarity breeds contempt and you do tend to take it out on those closest.
Natalee will always be in my thoughts. I think about what she did for me every day. My life has become far richer from knowing her and her acts of kindness are second to none. She remains a constant in my life, though now she has to start living hers, so I can finally try and rebuild mine, based in large part on the results of her actions towards me. The happiest moment for me, was when she decided to become a carer, based on all she did for me, that is a great achievement for her and makes all I went through, worth it, Cheers Natalee, I am forever in your debt. Love always!