I've had a reflective kind of day. I have wrote my Wedding Speech, though the fact I spelt Speech wrong in my haste has pissed me right off. I hate bad grammar and spelling. Still, go for the throat! I would have been the first to point out a spelling mistake myself in the past. Still my speech is done and I am happy with it. It is a bit emotional, less comedy, but that is what I wanted, after all it is going to be an emotional time for both of us!
Don't you just get the feeling, it's going to be one of my rambling blogs. Sorry it is just the kind of mood I am in. Just Jason to write his thoughts and a few last minute preparations, then that should be it until the 22 September.
I wanted to say a few words about Marriage. Now back in the 1970s, it would have been unthinkable for two members of the same sex to get married, Personally I was always against Gay Marriage. I felt that institution was exclusively for the abnormal among us, but like so many other things, I have changed my mind, purely because of recent experiences. I was happy with Civil Partnerships and what they offered, but times are changing, faster than I can keep up with,
When one suffers illness, I believe it does change ones whole outlook on life and I have decided to embrace change completely. Marriage for both Jason and I will offer stability, within the European Community, rights we had so long fought for and above all, the ultimate way of expressing our love for one another. Maybe, just maybe I am mellowing in my old age, getting more emotional and realising the finality of life.
I used to be reluctant to show emotions. It was a sign of weakness. However when you are at your most vulnerable and life takes one of those turns, no one could have ever predicted, one has to grab hold of opportunities and dreams, before they deteriorate, around one, just like the life I once knew! Love is the strangest emotion of all. I used to hate saying it to anyone, probably because I have only really experienced true love with Jason. It was a rare thing in my life, until recently. In truth we have so many loving people around us now, how could I not use the word. I do use it, often and mean it. Love is not about tangible objects, how much money you have or how many people you have sex with. Love is deeper, much, much, deeper, than I ever imagined.
I have been sheltered by much that has been thrown my way over the last six months, by a close group of people, who have only my best interests at heart. At first I thought people were being over protective, overbearing and domineering, but as time has moved on I see they were not. I have to accept, that I will need some form of care, for an indeterminate period of time. As I get older, my illness will only get worse, the medication I can take, less and the options available, restricted. I will at the very least, need sound advice and planning, something I have always avoided. Spend it, if you have it, was always my outlook on life. Well spend it, even if you don't is more the case.
Handing over Power of attorney, care packages and medication choices over to someone, who understands them more than I, is the logical thing to do. Left to my own devices, I would be dead within a week. That is the one thing I am sure about. We have been given a last chance and it is up to me, not to blow it again. At 44, I am growing up finally and accepting my limitations.
Of course Spain does not have a National Health Service, so health insurance and the cost of medication, use of Mental Health Services and care facilities are of paramount importance. I have thought about all these things, every day. Whatever the future brings, I know we will all be OK, even in failure, because we have more options than most, with family living in Croatia and Australia. I tend not to think of the negative anymore anyway, there has been too much of that in my life. Things need to change now, they have too!
Being told you would probably never work again was also of great concern. I want to work, at least for my own sanity. My aim is to write, my passion, something I have always wanted to do professionally. I know I have the ability to at least get by, with words and I can finally justify to myself, why I should or rather can't have a normal 9 to 5 job. I will in the end be able to do what I have always wanted to do. Whether it is professional blogging, freelance work, writing a book or short stories, I know I can do it!
To most sane people, the thought of throwing ones current life away, would be an absolute non starter. If you had told me seven months ago, this would be my destiny, I would have laughed in your face. As with Gay Marriage, times change. Change brings about new opportunities and a chance, just a chance to right the wrongs of the past. Motivational, positive people are the key to success. This joyous network of friends I have, has allowed me, to not only accept my failings, but also pushed me on further, to achieve my aspirations and desires. Having faith in ones friends and vice versa, is essential now and so far positivity reigns supreme!
In the short term, we have our Wedding in eleven days. A chance to bury hatchets and move forward in a happy vein, celebrate twenty years together, reflect over twenty eight years in Southampton, a life time in the UK. Packing up ones goods and chattles, selling the family silver and disposing of past indiscretion is next. Actually this is on going, I just need a kick up the arse every now and again. It works sometimes. After this, we sail into unchartered waters and I could not be happier. Fear of new adventures is spurring me forward.
This maybe an unusual situation for me, but it is not dissimilar to my past experiences, only a little more organised. I through my life in the air in 1995, 1998, 2004 and now in 2015. Sounds a bit cyclical to me, but I really do relish occasions like this. If all else fails, the temperature in Spain will ensure a better class of homelessness, at least!
There will be no option for us to return to The UK, under any circumstances, so this has to work. If I look ten years into the future, for once I have no idea what will happen or where we will be, but at least we will be together. Barring death and the end of the world, I suspect there will always be drama in my life, a lot less than now, granted. I expect a quieter life, new friends, fluent Spanish, yer right, and happy days ahead. Of course I am normally wrong, so chances are, I most certainly am this time too!
Peace and love, always!