It was an email from someone I used to live with, in younger days. It was someone who came to our last Wedding. It was someone who was a friend, was close and like me now, had moved away to change her life. For a period in my life, actually a very traumatic period, Helen was a devoted friend, someone I could trust and very supportive. We were very close, spending time, after time together. We always hang around together and to be honest, it was nice having such a close friend. I have my partner Jason, but having someone on the outside looking in, is important! It gives another valid opinion, when things go wrong, it also helps to keep ones relationship alive, gives people time out if they need it, as well as offering something we all crave in life, friendship!
I have always been taken in by people, who offer the hand of friendship. All perfectly genuine, to me at least at the time. I accept people for who they are now, not what they were. Well those days are sadly long gone. The nature of mine and now Jason's illness, the behaviour of a few social outcasts and the scandalous nature of their activities, have sent a warning bell across my decks.
I know most of those at our Wedding on Tuesday were important to us and have shown true support to us both at this time and beyond. I know and accept that not all of them will be around forever, and hope with all my heart, the trust placed in them and of course they place in me is genuine and true. I have no reason to doubt it. The difference with those on Tuesday and others is simple, they know the true nature of my being. They understand what has happened, what is continuing to happen and where our future lies, if we haven't died inbetween.
Helen played a very important part in our first Marriage, or rather 'Rite of Blessing'. That was also another very happy day for us and cost us £200, for the whole thing. That was a lot of money for us back then, as was our humble affair on Tuesday. Not the thirty grand some pay out on their day, but then who needs to do that anyway. It is not about money, it is about two people showing commitment to one another, in front of family and friends. Pure love, as Jason and I have is very hard to find. After twenty years, our love for each other has changed many times, but I can safely say, here in 2015, I am more in love with this man today, than I ever was.
Now here is what I believe, could have gone wrong, with Helen and I. Our friendship was born out of strife with others. That gave us a common goal , purpose and a reason to nurture our blossoming friendship. A friendship produced from the embers of others failures, can not work, especially when one is surrounded my the desolation of what was left. Bitterness will surely follow and as people do, more fighting and drama will spill forth, especially in the Gay Community. Most tend to never forget and spend the rest of their dying days trying to destroy one another. Not me, I have moved on. I could not care less what others have done to me in the past. What is happening now, is far more important. I want what is best for other people, those I hold dear. I want to protect them, look after those who truly need it, offer my support if required and not let everything I ever believed or held dear full away.
I have no need to plot and plan, scheme and try and destroy others, they are doing a pretty good job of it already. I have become a lot older and wiser. I have given others too much in the past. They have just taken more and more. I want a simple, drama, stress free existence. As things stand now, I will end up dead before Christmas. I get constant heart pain, but like every other normal person, put it down to stress, anxiety and minor indigestion, a growing problem me thinks.
I sent Helen a message in reply, mindful that I am trusting, although keeping myself at a sensible distance. I have too, with all that is going on at the moment. It is nothing personal, it is about being sure, who you are speaking too, really is that person. Over cautious, yes, but It is necessary. Our situation has left me battered and bruised, unable to trust anyone, abandoned and weary of anyone, well anyone who was not at our Wedding.
On that note, I just wanted to thank others for staying away from our day. I had expected trouble from others, I was wrong! My reluctance to carry on with the Wedding, was mainly to do with what has happened in our life, in recent times. My caution comes from experience and experience tells me to expect the worst.
People and their true nature amaze me at times. When Helen and I had our whirlwind friendship, we were like two kids in a playground. Malicious intent was never even thought about, though I am well aware, that not everyone views life that way. I have read about some awful situations people have had to deal with and with little or no help from anyone. I am lucky enough to be surrounded by people who actually do care about us. It has been a long time coming and have to say, unwanted and pushed away at times, but I know their help, trust and love for us as individuals, has been beyond anything, I could have imagined. At times I feel humble and at a loss to explain, why so many people, some of which, I had only known for a short time, had gone out of their way to offer us their complete and total support, I like to think that after everything that has happened, most people can at least see that we are good, honest, trusting and always have our hearts open to them, here whenever they need us equally,
His partner Shaun is a delight. Despite Ste being a handful at times, Shaun copes remarkably well. The two of them have been together for three years or more now, so hopefully there will be another Wedding on the cards before long. My home is always their home and I am always there for either of them, should they ever need anything. These two are true friends, who have written publicly about their support, often, and I know they mean every word of it. You would be lucky, if you had these two in your life, so don't take them for granted!
Peace and love, always!