Like most people, I like to believe there is something, I just can not explain what.
Last year I attempted to take my own life. Myself and my partner had had an argument. To be honest I can't even remember what it was about. I can remember what happened to varying degrees. I can remember I was alone in our house. Jason was at work. I had reached the lowest point of a Bipolar cycle. It is difficult to describe how low one gets during these times, but it was significant enough to cause me to try and take my own life!
I closed the curtains, removed myself from social networking sites and switched my phone off. I really wanted to end it all. Dark, depressive lows were very common with me and even that long ago my medication was failing. I just wanted the pain to stop. I collected all my pills together. I had been saving up an excess of tablets for months. There was always something in the back of my mind that said, one day you may, just may need to do it. It was as though there was something inbuilt within me, turning that suicide switch on and off.
I have no idea how many tablets I took, but the number was large, well over a hundred. Sedatives, anti psychotics, anti depressants and high doses of pain killers. It was all very matter of fact. I just popped each one, one after another. No emotion, nothing, not even a tear! I turned my ipod on, and just laid back on the sofa, hoping to drift away!
Things never turn out quite the way one would have hoped for. I saw things I had only read about, things I can't explain, but stuff that changed me profoundly. Everything was quiet, serene almost. There was a faint mist, hovering above bright green fields. The morning dew was sparkling like diamonds, sprinkled, thrown with a single toss of a hand, everywhere, beautiful technicolour, joyous happiness and welcoming fate! I remember looking down on this gorgeous scene,feeling a sense of wonderment and hope. From the corner of my eye I saw a familiar face, then another and another. Not people but photographs, like a slide show of people living. No one there was dead, they were all alive, displayed before me. I could almost touch them. I remember reaching out towards the montage. The display flickered, as an old movie jumps back into life!
My eyes were then taken to that tunnel. That tunnel everyone sees. I really did not like the tunnel it was dark and cold and for me I couldn't see any light at all, at the end of it. I was scared at that point. I remember not wanting to go, but had no idea what to do to stop it. Then suddenly I felt someone pushing on my neck. I was bought back from wherever I was, and could just about make out a friend, who had bought me back from the brink.
I remember very little after that. I passed out several times afterwards I believe. I don't remember the Paramedics arriving. The two friends who found me travelled with me in the Ambulance. At one point my air way collapsed, the blue lights came on and I was rushed as fast as they could to Hospital!
At the time my partner worked for a terrible company. He was asked to come to hospital, as my next of kin. His place of work refused to allow him to leave. It is a constant source of disgust and frustration with my Partners previous employment that they would not allow him to attend his partners bedside. Only they can answer for this. Despite wanting to name and shame them, I think it is best not too under the circumstances.
The last time I tried to take my own life, things were very different. There was no happy scene before me, no tunnel, nothing, just blackness. I remember nothing during the period I passed out. I was told by one of the Paramedics that a friend had saved my life, but can't actually remember anything at all about the circumstances behind it.
I'm not really sure how I view death any more. I am less afraid of dying. It does not frighten me any more. I literally have no fear of dying. I'm not sure if that is a good or bad thing. I now believe there is something else after we die. As humans we are made of matter and matter does not die. Seeing what I saw made the experience easier. This could indeed be the final throws of a dying brain, easing us into our final minutes of life. I have no idea. I remember even speaking to my Doctors at the time, about it. They were not forthcoming with answers typically.
Then there was the local church. The first suicide attempt effected me so much, I went to our local Catholic Church. I am not religious, nor will I ever will be, but at least the priest gave me some answers. I had experienced something deeply spiritual. Something I will remember for the rest of my life, something that changed me. It made me more open to new ideas, religions and also gave me a sense of comfort when I needed it most. It has opened up doors of opportunity and it has above all given me the courage to move forwards without those who were causing problems for me. I have been able to see past the lies and carry on in a way I couldn't before.
Is there life after death? Yes I believe there is. I don't for one minute believe it will be as it is now, but through my own experiences, reading books, speaking to people and careful study of those, who have had similar experiences, I truly believe there is more to come. I am an Atheist, or more likely an Agnostic now, so for me to make such statements about death is pretty out there. I believe life after death, is whatever we want it to be. A positive mind, even in death will certainly make for a positive life beyond!