I woke up today and was greeted by the dulcet tones of Chris. Chris Bunday, who I have known for just under 10 years, has been a constant in my life. He's a local boy, who my partner used to work with. He became a friend, lodger, pain in the arse, but a genuine guy, who's mind is probably more strange than mine. An acquired taste, who despite his upbringing, which he would consider to be unconventional, as for me I would say, it's no different from the norm, what ever 'norm' is, he has a good heart and has always been there for me and more so my partner in recent times!
Anyway, he was talking to me about the subject of Bipolar. He believes the way I act is a form of self harming and it was a vicious circle of happiness and pain. Well, yes, you are right, to an extent. Chris is very analytical and wants to know the ins and outs of a cats arse, so for you I will try and explain.
If you meet me, you will be surprised. I am open, honest, welcoming and warm. I will welcome you into my home without condition or expecting anything in return. Part of my vulnerability, is offering you everything, before I am aware of who you are. I take people at face value and believe what they tell me. The trouble is, some people are manipulative, and see me as a soft touch. If I spent as much time analysing others, as I did myself, I would see this, not everytime, but most of the time!
So why don't I see this coming? To be honest I probably do! I fixate on a person, good or bad, and give my all, 100%, everything, without condition! If they turn out bad, I have this stupid notion that I can help them. Some people you can help, others not. We have had people living with us, free and gratis, under the premise that they sort themselves out. All but one took advantage of that situation and became worse and worse!
How can I justify this? How can I justify giving people chances, options, free board and lodging, help and respect, without condition, or finding out about them. Well it's more about me, not them! If i had been given chances in the past. If I was given an opportunity, that may help my in the long term, I may, just may have turned out slightly different.
Jason and myself have battled and struggled all our lives. From the first day we met, we have fought to stay together legally. My parents watched us struggle for many years, they never once offered help or support, that was appalling. Jason was alone in this Country, apart from me, yet my family were the most judgemental and least accepting of anyone!
I have spent my entire life explaining who I am and having to justify my life, my choices, failures, sexuality and Bipolar. For me accepting others unconditionally was me trying to do the opposite of what was done to myself. I wanted to get to know people for who they were, not who they used to be. I admit that was wrong in part. I should have at least had a measure of who these people were in reality, to possibly save myself pain in the future. We all have that inbuilt ability, I just ignored it.
I used to fall out with people very easily. I tried to change this in recent times. I went through friends quicker than my thoughts could process. I disregarded, threw away and disposed of people like objects, without a second thought. I did try my hardest to change that. The older I got, the more I tried to hold on the people. During the last five years, I tried harder than ever. My medication was working and I became more content. I also became more complacent. My Bipolar meds made me oblivious to reality, masked true life, took away my emotion and the ability to hurt me. I just lived with it and thought, this is what life is really about.
Giving up my meds 8 months ago, changed all that. I saw me, as I was before I was diagnosed, I had emotions and feelings and above all I could see people for who they were. I got rid of who I had too and was finally happy, so I thought. What I failed to understand, was that I could never give up my medication, I would relapse one day and I just stored up a lot of trouble for the future...Now!
When I wrestle meds against no meds, I am left in a difficult position. I have lived more in the last 8 months than I have done in four years, yet I am now more vulnerable and ill than I ever have been. I still have no idea how to reconcile these opposing views of how to live, regulate and monitor Bipolar. I still only have one professional view, that I have to be on meds or I will die. REALLY? I know Bipolar II can be monitored and regulated without Pills and stuff. Difficult, I know, but it can be done. Is my illness that chronic, that I have no choice, but to take these fucking drugs!
Help me out here. Is my life really that cut and dry. Is this really my lot?