Like to keep my brain active, while I can. Not too much red wine and a hundred cigarettes, can substitute any Anti Psychotic right now.
I've had a relaxing, self serving, interesting twenty four hours. Jason and myself spent some genuinely quality time together, talking and analysing the delightful situation everyone else is in and despite initial reactions, Jason has cheered up and seen that there are far worse off people out there. In fact we are probably the lucky ones. We are able to at least avoid the insane nature of our life right now and truly embrace the strange dream that is our temporary reality! We even laughed about it, mainly at other peoples expense, but it is actually a step up from the last four months.
Of course we are always kept fully informed of ever changing events and yes, nothing fails to amaze me any more. I am a simple creature. Give me a fag and a keyboard, and I will write and write, someone has too. It also keeps these rather disconnected memories alive. It was true, it really did happen, you can't block this out, to that dark recess, next to the emotion side of your mind, not this time. Thoughts can sometimes be painful. More recently, rather confusing and last night rather amusing. I suppose it all depends on how one views these events. A positive cycle, twinned with the absurd nature of irrationality is for the best part, today a pleasurable but insane process. This changes all the time. I am literally saying what I feel now, before thoughts turn sour.
Just when you think you can't possibly hear anything else, to make you squeal with surprise and shock, fate strikes another hilarious blow. I say hilarious, but that hilarity only exists with me and I doubt no one else. Probably a babbling reaction to more serious behaviour and news, that these days I just add to that growing list of madness.
So much has happened that I no longer see these things as individual occurrences, but just chuck them into a single, one off, never to be repeated, sure fire, tell your grandchildren, if that were possible, explosion that with a little professional help, punch in the head and memory juggling, I will remember, just enough to say, this was the greatest story of my life and I was just too shocked and unmedicated to remember.
This blog is for me, not you. My memories in written form. A record I need for the future of my being. If I don't learn from this and things remain as they are, then this never ending cycle of, no words are strong enough, but I will try and pick one, how about anihilation would surely continue forever. Forever is a long time and I really have no desire for this situation, to continue into eternity.
Having digested the latest chapter, shaken my head and composed a confused face, the information has gone in. Like those outdated BBC B computers from my school years. My mind has been processing so much lately, that I really do need a spreadsheet to catalogue events fully. In basic form, I understand, that's all I need to know.
There is very little else I believe, even the Spanish Inquisition would need, to draw a conclusion, but as with the rest of my predictions, that is more than likely not going to be the case. A little laughter right now, is a tonic, us here at Capri needs. It diverts ones thoughts to childhood, safety, a womb and getting drunk for the first time, with my Grandmother. A bloody good laugh, secure in the knowledge, there is a warm place to hide. You couldn't make it up as they say.
Telling friends the truth, is still met with disbelief and accusations of, it's only Darren, he's on one again, done too much, needs to take a rest. I could not care less, I am not explaining any more, because in reality, you are only getting the edited version, the truth is far worse. Drama Queen, yes, always. Can't embellish this one though, it is what it is.
Another eye opener of a day, Slightly dismissive, a little disturbing, but essentially, the recent story of my life. When Doctor Mitch comes along and furnishes my memories with Lithium, or whatever else, I can drift off to that technicolour land of fields and flowers, popsicles and ponies, until that useless fool administers a change, I'll keep writing the realities of my life, oh so weird with uncertain outcome and a book in the making. Give me the wrong dose and be aware of the consequences Dr Mitch!
Just another day in the life of 'WHAT ARE THE CHANCES', not mine but everyone else's. That be the last time I do my tarot cards, read my palms and bloody believe in that sickly sweet tooth fairy type creature that haunts my very being.
Have I learnt, you bet ya. Will I believe it, doubt it, will I survive, of course, along with that ever growing list of circus clowns, acrobats and lions, jugglers and bears. A train of life's cheap tricks, troopers and god damn battlers, Survivors all!
Happy Saturday disciples!