Resolve and Resilience
Had a very strange day yesterday. I suppose things were getting on top of me. At the moment, my life seems like a waiting game. Under normal circumstances I would have lost the plot, and probably caused more problems. This time I didn't. Well I say I didn't, but I did, what I always used to do. I wrote a stern email, to those who needed to hear my words.
The reaction was short, telling and positive. So now, as we prepare for our Marriage and emigration to Spain, I am happy in the knowledge, that I have finally done all I can, to justify our leaving. Some of that low lying cloud, that has hovered over all of us, for so long, may just start to lift and hopefully a chink of light will burst through any time soon!
Escort to the Groom!
'Family is not necessarily blood!'
I have said it many times before, but these last few days have taught me much about the people around me currently. Both Natalee, Jamie and Jay are certainly like my family. They have all been there, every step of the way. They saw the absolute lowest and they have seen some funny moments too. Moments that will remain with us all forever, despite the distance.
There is also someone else who has been there too. A work colleague, called Helen Leith. She and her partner Steve have helped me through some of the most dramatic episodes, associated with mental illness. For that reason, for Helen's friendship, loyalty and help, I have asked her to sit as family, along with Nils and Sara, Natalee and Jay, in the front row of our Wedding. People who have given me back my life, saved my life and been a deeply influential important part of me, over these last few years. God bless you all, for everything you have done and continue to do!
As myself and Jason get to the end of the arrangements for our Marriage on 22 September 2015, I decided to ask Natalee, if she could give me away, at the Wedding. I could thing of no one better to have that honour. She has been there through the darkest times, when we were in the lowest of states. I am delighted, she agreed. Our lives will wander down very different paths, but I am glad I will have the memory of her being close on our big day.
I also asked Jamie to be a witness at the Marriage. His signature on our Marriage certificate, will be an enduring memory of family and friendships for me. I hope it will be for him also!
So Much pressure!
I have a lot of important documents to gather over the next few days. I think my life is busier now, than it ever has been. That's a good thing. It keeps my mind occupied at times when it needs to be.
The thing most people do not know know about me, is I like solving puzzles. Luckily I solved this one long ago, but someone keeps throwing in stray pieces of a jigsaw, that someone else is putting together, trying to cloud my mind. Keep doing it I say, it just makes me more determined to make justice prevail.
I was thrown a challenge. It has taken half a year so far. I have grown stronger and more angry. My future now depends on me, my motivation and those around me, who push me, encourage me and praise me every day!
'Battles are won or lost, in the hearts and minds of those who fight them. Keep fighting the good fight!'
Sometimes the rage inside me can of course boil over, as it has done, these last few days. I don't care what people do to me. What I do care about is what is done to my partner. Jason has suffered terribly, as my carer and now a victim. Everyday he suffers as much. if not more than I. If I am pushed too far, I will let rip. Well I have done. I am glad, I finally had my say and told the truth. The advice I was given, by a friend was invaluable, if a little emotional. I do find these days, that tears do heal the pain, even for a temporary period. I know my mission now. I'm not stopping, until it is completed!
'The anger was so great, there was blood pouring from my ear!'
Yes, more physical injury, through no fault of my own. In my words from yesterday:
'This needs to end NOW!'