I attended a consultation yesterday. The Doctor stated that I had been neglected by The Mental Health Services, here in Southampton. She could not believe I had been left in this state for so long. She has asked if I could hold on for a couple of weeks. You know what I have no idea. This feels so close to the end, break down and hospitalisation or worse, that I just have no idea.
I have no idea for what duration, I will be able to keep writing, as my mental state collapses downwards. I have severe Arthritis in my hands also and the pain can be unbearable.
As my health deteriorates, there are a lot of people in and out of Gay Capri, keeping a close eye, just in case the worse happens. Due to the lack of medication, my Doctor has told me what could happen and I should be monitored closely. Stroke or Heart Attack, psychosis, severe head pain, rapid cycling and even Brain haemorrhage. I have been left to experience the worst Bipolar can throw, so they can see how destructive it is, without meds, over a dangerously long period. Dr Rock said, I will at the very least suffer long term damage because of this. Disgusting!
My biggest fear is suicide . As the nature of what I have suffered becomes more apparent and the pain gets worse I am finding life very hard. Locked in the hose, sharp items removed, people here all the time, that is life now. Emotions are running high as I become weaker. I explained to Jay Greaves, what I saw every night, as I did to my Doctor. She said they will remain for the rest of my life. Psychiatric treatment will help but not eliminate the vision.
These next three weeks are dangerous for me. I'm glad Jay will have moved in by then. I don't want him destroyed by what could happen. He said he will get me through this. He is determined and this will give Jason respite. I discussed Jay Greaves becoming the carer, while Jason's health also gets worse.
So keep visiting everyone now. It will give others a break. I promise you all gratitude, free holidays and whatever else I can muster, while I can. Please stay away if it is too disturbing for you. I know this is hard work. Lets hope I come out of this soon!
Much love x