You know when you watch a TV programme and just before one programme ends and there is a commercial break, a little black box appears in the top right hand side of the picture, to tell us, one thing is ending and another is beginning. I learnt that an an early age, from someone I can't recall now. It facinated me, I wondered if we ourselves as human beings had our own little black box, that tells us, when an end is imminent. Of course we don't, but I guess psychologically we do.
As a person I suffer with anxiety quite a lot. I live anticipating mine and others next move. In reality it is a bit like a security mechanism, in built within me and probably all of us, which allows me to judge other peoples reactions and a change of circumstances. They way I describe it is like a gut feeling, that not all is well, or we are reaching the eand of a particular period, an event may be about to occur or something important is about to happen,
The first experience I had of these feelings is as a child, waiting for Santa Claus to arrive on Christmas Eve. I was determined to stay up, every year, hoping to catch the old man out, but never quite made it. Butterflies in my stomach, anticipating the arrival of someone I have never met before, believed to be real and hoped to meet one day. I still haven't met him, nor am I likely too, but still get those thoughts all the times. They are scary feelings, but they are are also joyful and most of the time I love feeling that way.
We had just been learning about The Second World War at school. War, based on my knowledge of such a grave, inhumane conflict was spilling out into my thoughts, of Britain fighting in another conflict. Small skermishes can often escalate quickly and I was aware, especially at the time, that we were in the middle of a Cold War with Russia and it would not take a lot to send a small localised conflict spiraling out of control. I remember at the end of the news bulletin, they played a famous song, 'Don't Cry for me Argentina'. It sent a wave of emotion flooding through me. I looked at my parents thinking, I don't want you or me to die. We are all going to die and all because no one was talking. It was alien to me. I think I may well have asked my parents, if we were all going to die. My father made some derogatory reference to Thatcher and reassured me, we were not and everything would be alright in the end.
I had those butterflies in my stomach. The ones I always get, at END TIMES, times of change and conflict and those times where not knowing can also be top of my list of worries. Yes I am a worrier, less so these days, but never the less I still worry, about everything and anything, as a matter of course. I do not like to see the status quo and continuity rocked, I like things left as they are. A bit fanciful in this wicked world we live in, I know, but at that time, difficult times for me personally and my parents and with conflict around every corner, I liked to escape into my own fantasy world, where everyone was good, happy in life, had enough money to survive and as people, we always looked after each other. Stupid thoughts, when one realises the reality of of human nature and power, but it really helped me deal with a multitude of problems at such an early age!
This was the first time, I got butterflies deep within that anxious place, for real and not imagined or perceived problems. I closed the restaurant and just sat there looking at the Television, with disbelief, thinking to myself, this really could be the end of all of us. The only other time that had happened was in 1981 and The Falklands Conflict, twenty years prior. Back then it was more to do with a childs view on what was going on, full of emotions and inaccuracies. This time it was about an adult, with thirty one years behind me, experience, well read and with real thoughts of 'end time'.
Part of my fear, like any fear is irrational, fear is irrational, but it is there for a reason. Fear helps us guard against times when we are experiencing terrible circumstances. It pushes us further and further on and allows us, to eventually do what is right for us.
We all have nights like that, worrying and stressing, trying to get used to new medication, thinking the worst and hoping for the best, but really, what did any of that undue stress and pressure, racing thoughts, anxiety and tears really do? Well the answer is absolutely nothing. All these did was to enhance my negative thought process, at a time when I needed it least. That is the reality of those situations, situations I could not change!
I have many positive thoughts now. I see my life in its full glory or not. I know what my aims and goals are. I have reached a point of peace, Jason hasn't! So I am writing this for my partner, lover, new husband, (I love saying that), to reassure him, that whatever happens in his life, I will be there right by his side, fighting the negativity, bad thoughts, worst case senario's and exaggerated, over egged and spurious unrealities that at present cloud his mind. Those days will end, happiness will return, just like it did at out Wedding and life will be worth living again. It broke my heart to hear you speak to your Doctor today, of suicidal thoughts, even on our day. I understand why now, just how bad and vivid they are and know this, our lives will become stronger, for letting me in closer. Always here for you!