It's 2.25 am, and out guests have left for the evening. The time was finally right, to begin to invite close friends over, before the Wedding and are long term ambitions. A chance to talk to people face to face, explain some of the realities surrounding us at the moment and just what had happened over the last six months, as well as catching up with them. We have only seen a core group of people over the previous months, due to my unwillingness to allow everyone, to see how ill I had become. We all have our own lives to lead anyway and I don't want to offload my car crash on everyone. The less people that knew, the better.
Jamie and Kirsty came over for dinner also. Jamie phoned earlier in the day and said he was popping round as he had a few days off from work. He was his usual bubbly, happy self. Always makes me smile, so how could I refuse the pleasure of his company.
Kirsty is four days over due and about to drop, so I was a bit worried about waters breaking all over my carpet, but what the hell, it would give me something to blog about, and the photo's would be a challenge, but I'd give it a go?!
I have been ill for very nearly six months, mainly because as I discovered the true nature of what lied behind my illness, I had further relapses, Post Traumatic Stress and rapid deterioration. So far I am languishing, along with my partner, for reasons I do not know fully yet. I do however find our situation grotesque, extreme, dreadfully dangerous and shocking.
Despite this stall in a process I fail to understand, I have tried to use my time wisely. Of course I write this blog, almost daily, but I have also figured out much, about the true nature of friendships, their value and most importantly, how genuine they are,
Until people turn up on our doorstep, I don't think they are fully aware of our circumstances, or indeed that we are emigrating. Nothing is normal about our life currently. My house is no longer a home, as it used to be. Everything is being sold and stored in boxes. It is all very temporary and it truly breaks my heart, to see my life stripped back like this, but after the worst situation imaginable, it has become easier to do each day that passes.
Claire had no real idea, until she came round. If anything it will allow Claire and others to see their lives in a more positive light. Nothing will ever be as as bad as our current mad, mad, mad, mad World!
Dear Claire, It has been a pleasure to know you, your honesty and genuine words towards both myself and Jason. I hope we will get to know each other better before we go.
As I have been, don't let others take advantage of you again. You have a tremendous heart and others know it. Our home in Spain, will always welcome you warmly.
We both wish you, everything you wish for yourself. So sad we leave people like you behind! xxx
Tonight I invited Claire over. We speak loads on facebook, but I hadn't seen her in a while. I cooked a pasta bake, as it is relatively quick and easy to cook and can feed a multitude of people. Plus I don't cook much these days anyway, so it gave me the opportunity to do so. My portions are usually big enough for a growing family in any case. Jason left me to do the cooking, while he went and picked up Claire. It was so lovely to see her, after such a long time and great to see her looking so well, unlike myself, who has aged a life time so quickly,
I have to be very careful who I have around me, With my health at its most fragile, ever, the wrong people could send me into a fourth relapse situation, The things I know about why I am here today, literally turn my stomach, Until this major stumbling block is resolved and as long as I remain in limbo, I will need supervision from others at all times. One never gets time to oneself, I am locked in the house in case I try to take my own life again and I live in fear daily. It is an existence of sorts, but it certainly is not a healthy one. To be honest, it is the only option I have at the moment. Every day that passes, is extra pain and anguish and further deterioration in health. Responsibility for that lies firmly at someone's door.
After spending nearly six months, with a close, core group of people, it was time to move beyond these rigid rules. They were in place for many reasons, including my protection, my unwillingness, to allow others see me in some terrible states and of course pride.
When our circumstances were thrown on their head and horrific news gradually filtered through, we had to make a decision to move, we had no choice. For us then, It is time to say fond farewells, Claire Tooley is the first of many, we want to spend time with, before our Wedding and departure.
Claire has always been a genuine, caring a lovely young lady. She has suffered the same things we have. Sometimes as individuals, we all find it difficult to talk, at sensitive times for ourselves, at least we have now, before we leave for Spain.
Darren Vranjes, 43 years old, gay, partnered 20 years. Living in Southampton UK. Bipolar!