Sometimes you have a conversation with someone, generally a person, I am all too ready to shout at, a sounding board, frustration taker outer and actually a thoroughly decent chap really, and that penny finally drops. I let emotions get in the way of too much in my life and today was no exception. My newly found love in, with all things emotional, can really be a pain in the arse at times. Life was so much easier, damn well not giving a stuff, but these days I do give a fucking stuff and once you get on that moral soap box and the words flow, they just can't stop. They infiltrate every part of your life. Getting emotional about a tin of red salmon in ASDA, the cost of Hospital Car Parking or those poor people with no one to love them. Ah bugger it, bugger it all. I wish I could put my sodding feelings back in their box, but I can't. I know full well it will be my undoing, but at least I'll die with a moral halo for a change.
So when the penny finally drops, though other more intelligent people than I could see it a long time ago, it hits you smack in the face of gobsmacking disbelief. I didn't think anything could shock me now, but I was wrong. Currently, I have taken time out to breath, lie quietly on my bed and listen to the songs of Glee again. More emotions come flooding back, this time happy ones, so not all bad.
Unless you are close right now, you wont understand what the hell I am talking about and that's good, because I understand less and less myself these days. Another bonus right now. The less one realises, the better it is for ones future well being. I have a terrible memory span and forget things almost instantly, not sure that will happen with this Tuesday, but I am going to sure try to wipe, erase and lay to rest the 6 October 2015 and confine it to the trash can, along with all the rest of the garbage. Maybe a little meditation would help, a little psychotic channelling or a shakra opening ceremony. Nah, I don't think so, not this time. Dealing with the issues is the right thing to do, not putting them on the back burner for six months, as I have been encouraged to do in the past.
Strength comes from those around us, at any given point in time. We are extremely lucky to have such loving and loyal friends. That is the only fucking thing that pushes us forward, because without them, life would be very empty. They bring colour, continuity, genuine words of hope and lasting memories to cherish. The good sort, not the ones in the suitcase at the bottom of the bed.
Advice and encouragement comes from many different sources throughout our short lives. We take it or not, that depends on our state of mind at the time. Often we pick the wrong words and end up where we started. Just like the story of myself and Jason's life. Cycles of empowerment and larger cycles of disempowerment, that always last longer than the positive, that is just a fact of life. Learning for Jason and I has always been hard, because in everything we do in life, we always follow our hearts, because that is how we began our life together. Sadly hearts are easily broken, all to often and each time it become more and more difficult to put the pieces back together again. Up until now, we have always given up at the crossroads in our life and so we are surely as the sky is blue, back at that turn in the road again. What to do this time eah?
Well after the time I have had over the last six months, I could quite easily walk away, what the hell, I've done it all my life, another time wont hurt. Generally we have always walked away with nothing, just the clothes on our backs and been happy, oh so bloody happy to be together, that really is all that is important, but I have a little moral parrot on my ever broadening shoulders these days, so my options become far more limited. Maybe I should become a monk or go on a crusade, maybe I am, only time will tell.
At least this time, I am a lot less fragile, more angry and gun weilding, there's that crusade again, though not in the place I expected it to be. Life is never simple, so for now I will just run with it and see what happens. No more emotions, tears and sentimental crap from me, just doing the right thing, for us and those around us, for all of me, us and them have made us who we are today. No more reflection, just realisation a punch in the face, not mine that is and the beginning starts all over again!
Here begineth and endeth the story of my life!