What a week from hell it has been. Both Jason and I are on medication, as you know. We have both started new meds at the same time this week. That, in reality is not a great combination. We have both been finding it difficult anyway, without the change in pills,, which is severe!
To be honest, my second week on new medication has left me quite debilitated. I am spending a lot of time sleeping, more that last week. In fact a lot more. Last week I was busy, every minute of every day, always finding something else to do. This week, things could not be more different
Of course the Wedding is pressing on both our minds now, and thoughts are turning to our Marriage at every turn, for that reason, it is stifling creativity and we are both stressed to hell.
Lets look at our whole situation for one minute, before anyone decides to take another pop at me.
Both Jason and I are off work at the same time, for more or less the same thing. We have our Marriage on September 22. We are moving to Spain with Jay, who is also not feeling 100%. He is living with us, to help us through this difficult time. Both Jason and I are heavily medication and our lives have been put on hold, for at least six months and probably a lot longer!
So slightly drunk, I booked into a** two star ** hotel, just up the road from where I live. Number one I would never book into a two star hotel and two, not less than a quarter of a mile, up the road from where I live, but what the hell I needed too.
It was time to sit down, on my own, away from everyone else and especially Gay Capri, which I am hating more and more each day and think, just think and decide what the hell I want to do? Where the hell is my life going? and just what, yes what has happened over the last six months!
I had argued with everyone, just before on facebook, calling them every name under the sun. I do not care. I am Bipolar and have a multitude of other things wrong with me also. If you knew me well enough, you would not get offended.
I was drunk and got drunker still sat in the bar of this hotel, talking to whoever would listen, for what seemed ages, well into the early hours anyway. So they should listen, for what I had to pay for the bloody room anyway!
I had the weirdest dream of my life, during the few hours I did sleep, so weird I remember it vividly. The dream was so profound for me, that I am literally going to blog about it separately, then you can, or may be not understand where my head was.
I left the hotel, early this morning, got home and told Jason how much I loved him. He always knows that and I'm buggered if I'm paying another £80 to find out again, but at least it finally helped me wrestle a few demons!
Oh and for the record, our Wedding is still on, minus a few fake friends, who I could not care less about and a Wedding cake that we never needed any way!
Peace and Love, always!
I have had a lot of anger coming out too. Every day I am getting worse and worse. So much to vent, so much to say and no one, absolutely no one listening. Even my blogs have become more banal and less controversial!
That is not like me, I don't like being banal and I would much rather be different and a little unhinged if you will, but I have been unable too for whatever reason!
The last few days have been particularly hellish. Jason has come off his old medication and stopped altogether, before he takes his new prescription. Terrible isn't it that he has been bought down to this level and in reality, there is still no end in sight.
We have been at loggerheads for a week and arguing left right and centre. I knew I was going to loose my rag, if things did not change and change fast, well they did change, last night. We both lost the plot as it were and I called the WEDDING OFF!
Vodka, good old vodka. Took the edge off my medication for a short while, just long enough to leave the house and book into a hotel.
After a night of thinking and talking to others who didn't mean anything too me, I will never see again but who actually talked the most sense, I knew the path I was on, was the right one.
I am not letting others destroy what we have, I love my partner and I love my closest friends, who are with us on this journey!
Thanks to them for all their kind words, as ever. I dearly love them and thank them from the bottom of my heart!
Darren Vranjes, 43 years old, gay, partnered 20 years. Living in Southampton UK. Bipolar!