Just another cycle!
In the Easter of this year, I had an attack of Mania, severe, brutal Mania. I was cycling dangerously and I was extremely ill, with head pain.
On that Easter weekend, I tried to commit suicide, as I realised the extent of others inaction and implication with regards to my current state of health.
Rambling, inaudible and violent, Jason phoned the Police and I was arrested, as I left Capri, to try and end my life. I spent a night in the cells, where I was escorted from to see a group of four Doctors in the morning.
'Memories to heal the mind'
Natalee Michelle became an important part of my life. I had only known her for a short while, but she was there, just like an old friend, should be.
She saw the absolute worse of me. When I look back now I am glad it was Natalee who saw me in that state. Other friends, who knew me better, may well have been upset by the dreadful condition I was in and may not have been able to see beyond the pain.
During that first month, we spent a lot of time together, got to know one another and built a friendship that will last a life time, despite our decision to leave the Country.
Natalee will always have a special place in my heart. She was there for me, when others could not be, for reasons only they can answer for.
'What a difference 6 months make!'
Well it's been a funny old six months. Who would have thought what would have happened all those months ago, when I became ill.
I became ill in the February, after an increasing work load, ignorance, unwillingness and lack of care! At the time I just believed I was feeling unwell, due to failing medication and another Bipolar cycle.
After an altercation with a colleague and subsequent meeting with my superiors, I collapsed both physically and mentally. I had reached the end of the World and I could find no help.
The lack of support and inertia from those I believed in was extremely damaging for me at the time. It became the catalyst for a relapse, like I had never experienced before!
I must have looked frightful. I remember as I entered the room. Hair as messy as a mad professor, eyes as murderous as Mussolini, Dr Rock turning round and looking at me, and quietly said:
yes I replied.
I wasn't Sectioned that day as Jason had agreed to take on my caring needs.
I was escorted to our car and was driven as quickly as possible to the GP's surgery!
'A Lesbian Officer, barred my way'
That Easter, I was sedated to within an inch of my life. I vaguely remember being taken to some old haunts by Jason and Christopher, mainly in Salisbury where I used to work and The New Forest where we always used to go, frequently, before I became ill.
'The maddest thing I've ever heard!'
It has been great spending time with people, who I had not been that close too up until now, but have really shown just how much they care for both myself and Jason.
They remain shocked at our current situation. Like most people, they believe things like this only happen in films. WELL MY LOVELIES, THEY DON'T!
I have packed a lot into these last six months, despite my illness. In order to get well it has been important to start to enjoy life, without the stigma of Bipolar and relapse.
I have met many new people, who's company I have enjoyed, more than you can ever imagine. Jack Yallop, who I have only known a short while has given me faith back into others, when people I regarded as important, friends and colleagues, shattered everything I ever believed. Thanks for that Jack!
'Just when you thought it couldn't get any worse!'
Bipolar relapse is a serious business. Today I still remain on the temporary medication, issued all those months ago. Sedation being the only option, until the NHS gets its act together and gives me the stability I so need at this time.
As if that wasn't bad enough, the shock revelations, behind my current position, illness and deterioration of health, comes head long into your life, like a bullet to the head and poisoned dart to ones heart.
Revelations that have removed me from a dangerous situation. Caused Jason to be prescribed medication himself, and for both of us to become pawns in a larger game, that for legal reasons, I can only describe as heinous!
'Finally found that family I was looking for!'
'We are The Queens of Egypt!'
Family! Family was always the most important thing in my life. Loosing ones family was a wrench, but a wrench I got over quickly, especially when loosing their love after a suicide attempt left me in Hospital.
It is on days like that, that you have to make big changes in order to move on with your life. If they don't care, then you have too, because that is all you have left!
Jamie Hough will always be my Gay Daughter. She has been here, throughout my entire relapse period. She came round with friend Kirsty, when I was sedated in bed, just after being released from Prison. They were both there at some very difficult times for myself and Jason and they did not falter.
My love for Jamie goes back a long way. He has always bought a smile to my face, even during the darkest of times. Without Jamie, I am not sure I would have ever got through this period.
I will of course miss Jamie terribly, and will always worry about him, what has become of him, and whether or not he is doing well. He is the one enduring smile of happiness, I will always recall, if I ever want to look back at these times.
'Pain, like no other!'
Things are moving rapidly on for us now. The situation we find ourselves in, is the most strange, unheard of and quite honestly, terrible and absurd we have ever experienced, or are likely to experience ever again.
'Time to make choices!'
Myself, Jason and Jay are off to new climates, away from the dreadful memories here in The UK. This has been the push I have needed, my whole entire life, to make the biggest change I have ever made!
After the Wedding is over and done with on 22 September 2015, we will be departing these English shores for a new life in Spain.
I couldn't possibly stay here in Britain now, after these revelations. I have to now forge a new life, with my partner and Gay Son.
In this latter part of my life, I want to experience everything, I have thus far avoided. So when the legalities are settled, documents signed, names changed and Marriage completed, we can all put two fingers up to everyone here and jet off to our new life in the sun!
Peace and love!
When I found out the true nature about what had happened in my life for at least two, maybe for more years, once again I collapsed. I had what was called a psychotic episode, as well as Post Traumatic Stress.
As you know, I never cry as a rule, but as the revelations unfolded before my very eyes, as I was told the truth and as I began to understand that someone else, not me, was responsible for EVERYTHING, I had a third relapse in as many months. I became ill beyond my years.
I was experiencing serious episodes on almost a daily basis. The pain was becoming unbearable and friends were alarmed by my rapid deterioration.
One of the most serious episodes, involved Ultra Rapid Cycling, for approximately three hours. I was extremely ill, although I remember very little details. I know Jay Greaves was with me for that period of time and did not move from my side. For that I am truly grateful, as I know now, things could have been very different!
'These times were sent to test us!'