I met Jay a while ago now. Despite his young age, has been around a while and learned more in his life, than most of us would have cultivated in a life time. I have to say we met under very different circumstances to now and If I am honest, I at least was a very different person. Shallow, bitchy, not a care in the world attitude, that was me, The change in me has been dramatic, profound and long lasting. Even the last two years has taught me much. I didn't like the person I was then but I am beginning to like who I am now. Liking oneself is the first and last step to recovery.
I liked Jay from the first moment I met him. Despite working for a gay pub, he wasn't your run of the mill homosexual, wrapped up in a mirage of a gay life, living each day in a bubble of delusion. As hard as it is to say, most gay people, do live a rather superficial, shallow one track life, that usually revolves around a completely gay world, that is no more real than it is beneficial.
I suppose I got to know Jay pretty quickly and we spent a lot of time in each others company. sometimes the consequences could be spectacular and not always in a good way. When others see how close a friendship is, they do spend their time, trying to break it up, for no other reason than they do not want to see others happy and content, when they are not. Getting to know someone, so quickly, spending so much time together, is in my opinion, a mistake. Complacency and familiarity can breed contempt. Others will pick on any weakness and use it to destroy what was good, as they did with us. As friends do we fell out and went our separate ways. When I look back now, I know at the time I was ill and in the process of relapse through circumstances I was unaware of at the time. My life spiraled downwards and I became unwell. Of course, like anything, my position then was based on one various Bipolar cycle or another, I was just unaware of what was going on fully.
Rekindling friendships, after they have gone wrong, is not normally my thing, I prefer to just break and move on, or maybe, rather not face up to the truth, then spend my whole life regretting the 'mistake' I had made. At the time my condition was becoming uncontrollable and that diverted my attention else where. Because Jay and I were close, I also did not want him to see me at my worst, no friend does, so just blocking things out helped, for a while!
I can't quite remember how we both began talking again to be honest, but I am sure it was for the right reasons. I missed his friendship and I had began to realise, that not everything I was lead to believe was actually true. This inevitably happens with me, after the event and most of the time, it is too late to put right whatever mess has been caused. Luckily, not in this case.
Jay came back in my life, when it was more or less at rock bottom. I know he saw that and could have quite easily taken advantage of that situation, instead he began to teach me the real value of friendship. Due to my Bipolar, I was particularly vulnerable at the time. Jay moved in with us for a period, looked out for us, and helped us through some pretty dark times. He stopped things getting worse and once again he became an important part of my life. At first things were different, but slowly we began to trust one another again and my life started to take a turn for the better. Like so much in my life, it was merely the calm before the storm. I thought I had reached the bottom, when in reality, that was yet to come, I just didn't know it at the time.
Jay made a decision to move in with us to take a caring roll, at a time, when I fully experienced full blown relapse. This was me, really on the brink and from what I gather, others were fully aware of the consequences. Jason and I had lived by ourselves for quite a while, so to accept someone, moving in, taking charge of a serious situation, was pretty hard, especially when it was Jay, but strange times, make for strange bedfellows and in all honesty, thank god he did. He is a godsend in a crisis and there were quite a few of those.
The only person who could help me through a traumatic psychotic episode was Jay. At the time he had broken ribs, yet spent hours looking after me, experiencing rapid cycling and trying to smack the shit out of myself, most of which I thankfully do not remember, but I am sure he and others do. Jay was in hospital with me, through suicide attempts, pulling up my jeggings, to save my embarrassment and any further loss of dignity. He was also there when I needed help when essentially my heart stopped beating. He gave heart massage, stayed the course and was there without exception.
There are not many people, who I can say, I owe a debt of gratitude to, but Jay Greaves is one of those people. It shows much about his strength of character, will power, determination and caring abilities, that he was there at the worst of times and didn't run for the hills. If I were in his shoes, could I have done what he did? I'm not sure I could. Faced with situations beyond my control, I rarely excel. For Jay however, he comes in to his own and just does what he has too.
I care about this guy deeply, and as time has moved on and our friendship has shifted into something, I quite like actually, I feel comfortable knowing that he is there. I have grown stronger and stronger each day, mainly through his strength and find myself in a position, where I take his advice freely, act on it and am proud to call him one of the closest people in my life. A friendship built and grown through the most difficult of times, that will leave bonds that will last a lifetime.
Feeling well enough to return to work, has been my wish for so long. I had a lot of strength when I met him, lost it completely and with his help regained what I had misplaced. For someone to have faith in you, when you have none, is a tremendous testimony in them as an individual. It is a powerful, enduring and life long epitaph to a friendship that has changed, battled and flourished for no other reason than an ability to see beyond the current circumstances and towards a mutually beneficial future.
Jay continues to be the stable force in our life. He motivates and continues to stay positive, despite everything he has been through and the situations he has seen me in. I have more respect for him and his abilities now, more than ever. I will repay the debt I owe him, he knows that.
He was Best Man at my Wedding, for all the reasons I have mentioned and many I haven't. He has the admiration of those I have known for years, for his efforts and he gives me strength when I need it, one of the only people I take notice of, is wise beyond his years and is still there. I know he is also going to hate me writing this stuff, but you played a massive part in my recovery, so thanks for giving me my life back, love ya always!