I wanted to write a bit about morals today.  Not religious, Ten Commandment, like morals, just normal every day moral behaviour.  Don't get me wrong, there are, within those Ten Commandments, morals we should adhere too, of course there is, but there are many more, that all of us should practice as decent human beings.

Despite not talking to my family, I have to say they always instilled morality in me as a matter of course.  When all is said and done, I come from a decent family, who bought me up the best way they could.  Without them, I'm sure I would have viewed life very differently.  My father was a Socialist.  He believed strongly in helping those less fortunate and made sure I knew it.  He would go out of his way to express views on everything from Benefits to the rights of the disabled and ethnic minorities.  For those reasons I can not fault my father.

He instilled in me a 'Moral Compass', something I could use in my everyday life, to insure that the path I was following was the right one.  In my youth I campaigned for The Anti Nazi League, with my then partner at the time Martin.  We went on demonstrations, in order to protect and fight for rights, as well as showing our revulsion at different campaigns of hatred.  This was the early 1990s, before any minority group had any rights, that they enjoy today.  There was a lot of violence against homosexuals as well as much more against ethnic minorities.  I myself was attacked on many occasions for being gay and psychologically, it destroyed part of me inside.  Just because I am gay, it doesn't make me any less a person.  I was born that way, as were black people and those with challenging disabilities, that they had fought all their lives to overcome. 

When I came out, as gay, things were very different.  There were no laws in place to protect me, no one to talk too and no understanding from the world at large.  I was left to cope with my status, the threat of AIDS and little knowlege about sex in general.  Even sex education was sadly lacking, so there was no hope for understanding at all.  I believe, we as adults, have a moral duty to teach our children about sex, from as early an age as possible.  I truly believe it would and indeed will prevent future generations from suffering as we did.  Teenage pregnancies should in time full, and as a community of individuals, we would find the subject of sex, much easier to handle.  Only time will tell if I am right, and I wont be around to see it.

A friend of mine recently contacted me for some advice.  Like myself and Jason she had been going through a rough time, so much so, it had made her ill.  At first she put it down to her own inabilities and growing illness.  When she explained deeper to me, the circumstances behind her illness and current situation, I was shocked at the things I heard.  These were not accidents, bad luck or poor judgement, this were a systematic campaign of hatred, bought about by the colour of her skin and nature of her illness.  It didn't matter what she said or did, no one was listening to her, she was becoming deeply unwell, through stress and was on the verge of collapse.  Other people knew of her predicament, yet did nothing, nothing at all.  Whether it was out of fear or inertia, they were unwilling to do the right thing.

Like her, we are good people.  She just happened to have a superior, who took a dislike to her and she suffered dramatically as a result.  I have seen a fun loving, happy, stable young lady turned into a wreck of her former self.  This upset me when I saw her.  I didn't know what to do or say under those circumstances.  I could only offer her advice, based on my own experiences in life.  When I last spoke to her, she had resigned from her role.  In my opinion that was a mistake, but completely understand why she did it.  After all there is only so much we can take as human beings.

If she had sought the right advice at the time, had not been fobbed off and had really looked into what was going on and did her research, I feel things could have been different.  None of us know how we are going to react under the worst of circumstances.  If someone had spoken up on her behalf, exposed the lies and told the truth, no matter what the consequences, things may well have been very different.  To find out that your best friend had gone through so much, with little or know help, is deflating at the very least

No one has the right to take away someones dignity, career or in the worst case, their life, because it suits them to do so.  When one gets away with sheer bloody murder for so long, brushed under the carpet, left unchecked and unseen, things will get bad enough, that others lives become in danger.  Suicides, illness, inaction, denial, counter denial and nothing ever gets done and the situations become untenable.  Those who allowed this to happen to a friend of mine are nothing more than the person who carried out this campaign of, well lets just say bullying, for so long. One day soon, it will come back to haunt everyone of them and I hope it does!

This now brings me onto the subject of bullying.  The one thing I hate more than anything else in the world.  My own ex CEO, Dame Barbara Stocking was bullied when she worked for the NHS and we know just how hard it can make our lives.  If you see bullying, hear of it, then STOP it.  If you have never been bullied before, you will not understand the implications behind it.  You will have no idea of the pain and indignity that a victim lives with and you will never understand how they feel.  Just know this, you have a moral duty to end it, because that is what decent people do.  People with integrity, stand up and are counted.  I would like to think I could be that person, we all do.  However none of us can say for sure, not knowing the facts behind each case of harm caused to another.

When a work place becomes the hunting ground of a bully, life becomes very different.  Everyday becomes a nightmare, the workforce become strained, sickness soars and profits fall.  I was hoping my friend would ride it through, to an acceptable conclusion for her, but when you have been through so much, in her case for five years, enough is enough.  Your health becomes the priority, you just want the nightmares to stop and start your life again.

It takes a tough person to stand up to a bully, she wasn't.  You have to be prepared for whatever is thrown your way, but what is the alternative? Well if you allow this behaviour to continue, long term, a culture of bullying and harassment will take route, become entrenched and be very difficult to overcome.  You see this happening across many sectors every single day.  Someone like me, who has suffered at the hands of bullies for being gay and learned to read the signs,  as well as, hopefully learning from that experience, is lucky enough, stubborn enough and determined to stop it.  If I could have helped I would have done.  Everybody needs somebody and when everyone else around you is doing nothing, you have to stand up and be counted!

It's 11.38 am, and I have just woken up.  Slept like a baby last night, even if only for a short while. I was up late just finishing off some Wedding photographs.  Our day, on Tuesday was the best day we had in six months and I want to be sure those memories are captured for all time.  They should only happen once in a life time, and it gives me something to do, while we still sit here and wait for answers.  Sadly these are not coming any time soon.  The length of time I have been left to deal with various situations and episodes, is growing longer by the day.  If there had been more action, from many different people and professionals, our collapse in health, mind and spirit would not have gone this far.  I am glad there is at least a change in my determination now.  It is something to keep us alive and kicking through these darkest hours.  My priority is my partner, his neglect, collapse in health and preventing suicide, whilst of course dealing with my own issues and those that surround my illness!

Whilst finishing my photographs, I checked my email.  Don't often do that these days, especially when there are so many different forms of social media at ones disposal.  As I scrolled down the page of rubbish, I came across a name I recognised.  Her first name is Helen.  For the sake of privacy I will call her second name Johnson.  The name rang a bell, although I couldn't quite remember where from at first.

It was an email from someone I used to live with, in younger days.  It was someone who came to our last Wedding.  It was someone who was a friend, was close and like me now, had moved away to change her life.  For a period in my life, actually a very traumatic period, Helen was a devoted friend, someone I could trust and very supportive.  We were very close, spending time, after time together.  We always hang around together and to be honest, it was nice having such a close friend.  I have my partner Jason, but having someone on the outside looking in, is important! It gives another valid opinion, when things go wrong, it also helps to keep ones relationship alive, gives people time out if they need it, as well as offering something we all crave in life, friendship!

In my younger days, friendship was extremely important to me. I literally craved the company of others. Their status grew in importance, as family bonds broke and I am in a position now, where I no longer seek out friends at all. I am happy with my lot if you like. When one has to unburden oneself from certain people, because one has been told, to be weary or tread with caution, due to the access someone else has to them, for their sake and my peace of mind, the validity of my relationship with people comes into question. I have had to make some hard choices on the friends front in order to protect myself from someone who has become that noose around my neck. So far it has worked, although I am still offloading those I believe are not what they seem.

I have always been taken in by people, who offer the hand of friendship. All perfectly genuine, to me at least at the time. I accept people for who they are now, not what they were. Well those days are sadly long gone. The nature of mine and now Jason's illness, the behaviour of a few social outcasts and the scandalous nature of their activities, have sent a warning bell across my decks.

I know most of those at our Wedding on Tuesday were important to us and have shown true support to us both at this time and beyond. I know and accept that not all of them will be around forever, and hope with all my heart, the trust placed in them and of course they place in me is genuine and true. I have no reason to doubt it. The difference with those on Tuesday and others is simple, they know the true nature of my being. They understand what has happened, what is continuing to happen and where our future lies, if we haven't died inbetween.

We were inseparable, spent hours together and probably caused mayhem at the time. Naughty is the word I want to use, because we used to get ourselves into trouble, mainly because we used to play pranks and always get caught. I am not a devious person, I have no need to be. I am open and honest and as I have said before, hold my hand up if I get caught. Pranks are very different to planned assult, constant attack and bloody intent. By getting caught, for example, keeping the neighbours up all night, with loud music, is a good thing. It has taught me right from wrong, as I am sure it has Helen as well.

Helen played a very important part in our first Marriage, or rather 'Rite of Blessing'. That was also another very happy day for us and cost us £200, for the whole thing. That was a lot of money for us back then, as was our humble affair on Tuesday. Not the thirty grand some pay out on their day, but then who needs to do that anyway. It is not about money, it is about two people showing commitment to one another, in front of family and friends. Pure love, as Jason and I have is very hard to find. After twenty years, our love for each other has changed many times, but I can safely say, here in 2015, I am more in love with this man today, than I ever was.

Now here is what I believe, could have gone wrong, with Helen and I. Our friendship was born out of strife with others. That gave us a common goal , purpose and a reason to nurture our blossoming friendship. A friendship produced from the embers of others failures, can not work, especially when one is surrounded my the desolation of what was left. Bitterness will surely follow and as people do, more fighting and drama will spill forth, especially in the Gay Community. Most tend to never forget and spend the rest of their dying days trying to destroy one another. Not me, I have moved on. I could not care less what others have done to me in the past. What is happening now, is far more important. I want what is best for other people, those I hold dear. I want to protect them, look after those who truly need it, offer my support if required and not let everything I ever believed or held dear full away.

I have no need to plot and plan, scheme and try and destroy others, they are doing a pretty good job of it already. I have become a lot older and wiser. I have given others too much in the past. They have just taken more and more. I want a simple, drama, stress free existence. As things stand now, I will end up dead before Christmas. I get constant heart pain, but like every other normal person, put it down to stress, anxiety and minor indigestion, a growing problem me thinks.

I sent Helen a message in reply, mindful that I am trusting, although keeping myself at a sensible distance. I have too, with all that is going on at the moment. It is nothing personal, it is about being sure, who you are speaking too, really is that person. Over cautious, yes, but It is necessary. Our situation has left me battered and bruised, unable to trust anyone, abandoned and weary of anyone, well anyone who was not at our Wedding.

On that note, I just wanted to thank others for staying away from our day. I had expected trouble from others, I was wrong! My reluctance to carry on with the Wedding, was mainly to do with what has happened in our life, in recent times. My caution comes from experience and experience tells me to expect the worst.

People and their true nature amaze me at times. When Helen and I had our whirlwind friendship, we were like two kids in a playground. Malicious intent was never even thought about, though I am well aware, that not everyone views life that way. I have read about some awful situations people have had to deal with and with little or no help from anyone. I am lucky enough to be surrounded by people who actually do care about us. It has been a long time coming and have to say, unwanted and pushed away at times, but I know their help, trust and love for us as individuals, has been beyond anything, I could have imagined. At times I feel humble and at a loss to explain, why so many people, some of which, I had only known for a short time, had gone out of their way to offer us their complete and total support, I like to think that after everything that has happened, most people can at least see that we are good, honest, trusting and always have our hearts open to them, here whenever they need us equally,

Stephen and Shaun have just left, after popping in this morning, on their way back from Ste's mothers. They had stayed there after the Wedding. Stephen and I come from the same place, living within spitting distance of each other for many years, yet we never even knew it. Ste also suffers from Bipolar, and has been a great source of inspiration and support, over these last six months. He is far more wordly wise than I and is always a welcome guest here at Capri. I suppose I have know him for about twenty years now, although I can't be sure. During that time we have had many up's and down's. When I look back now I feel Bipolar may well have played a role in that bipolarcoaster, it makes perfect sense.

His partner Shaun is a delight. Despite Ste being a handful at times, Shaun copes remarkably well. The two of them have been together for three years or more now, so hopefully there will be another Wedding on the cards before long. My home is always their home and I am always there for either of them, should they ever need anything. These two are true friends, who have written publicly about their support, often, and I know they mean every word of it. You would be lucky, if you had these two in your life, so don't take them for granted!

Thank you Helen for getting in contact.  Many people have done so, during the course of this blog, but yours meant a lot at this time.  It does show that my blog is working.  The written word is so important for getting the message across, any message that is.  I suppose in my day, education and the written word was very different for me.  A blog is a piece of raw prose, it is not going to be perfect, but it is used to convey a message at a given point in time.  I have done this for six months, nearly every day and enjoy writing my experiences down, both good and bad.  I hope you all do as well!  If anyone ever needs to contact, please feel free, I am wise beyond my years, I wish!

Peace and love, always!

The Wedding is over, and now it is time to get back to reality.  It was great having Jason's cousin Marin over from Hrvatska for five days.  It gave me a well overdue insight into normal life.  It has been that long, since either of us had experienced normality. I had literally forgotten what it was like.  Marin is a decent guy!  He is a family man, with a lovely wife Vlatka and gorgeous son Burtul.  It is always a pleasure to go and stay with them each summer.  I remember sat in my favourite beach bar, in Split, watching Jason's, and now my family play in the water, with there Cousin Jason.  I don't mind telling you that I was a little emotional.  I never really experienced family life quite like that.  It opened my eyes to a whole new World of possibilities, made me feel safe and secure and taught me the importance of family!

It's funny, when one thinks back, to the advice, that certain people have given me, in recent times, about my family, not necessarily being blood, I sit back and wonder!  A have many, many friends, akin to family, of course I do, but my family, who came to our Marriage, love me unconditionally, without reservation.  When someone, whom you thought was a friend, tells you their own sob story and to off load those members of your family, who you are at logger heads with at that time, think about it very carefully! what are their motives? What are they going to get out of it?  Further isolation for me? These people seek out others more vulnerable, for their own needs.  When you finally ask for help or you say something out of turn, because you are unwell, they have gone!  That is not what I regard as family.  That is betrayal at the lowest level.  I have met many people like that, also in very recent times,  each one of them, is no longer there.

I write to get answers.  Thoughts on paper, produce desired results.  One day I will tell you a story of such a person, just not today!

My thoughts now turn to my current thinking.  The Wedding was a welcome break from all the pressures around us at the moment.  We spent the day with some wonderful people.  Family and friends.  All of them have said, what a relaxing, chilled and memorable time they have had.  Most Weddings are formal and just too stuffy, ours wasn't.  All of them were there, for the contribution they have made to our life.  The happiest days are born of the worst of times, that is the story of our Wedding. 

We were unsure, if we would even manage to get married at various different stages.  It has been touch and go since January, when I proposed to Jason.  It got horrendously bad in April, with other issues taking priority.  We could have cancelled many different times, but what sort of message does that send people?  The negative impact of stopping our celebrations would have been felt, by us at least, for a life time.  I am not a weak person.  I am stronger and more determined now, than ever.  I can take whatever is thrown my way, because I battle!  I have battled to keep our relationship together, as has Jason, through its entirety.  We have survived every challenge known to man and then some.  If I am right, then I will do everything in my power to prove it.

I don't like to see friends, indeed anyone hurt, for no other reason than self gratification.  No one should hurt anyone, least of all for personal gain or protection.  When I am wrong, I hold my hands up to it.  There is no point in hiding the fact, when you have made a mistake.

At my most ill, over a dozen times and counting, during the last six months, I have been given a lot of help and advice.  Friends, always tell you how it is, not what you want to hear.  Friends do not patronise or make you feel like someone you are not.  They tell the TRUTH!  The truth is important, because with lies and untruths you get no closure.  You just get further pain, suffer more and never have an end to difficult phases in your life.  Life is so precious.  We all strive for bigger and better things, have aspirations for the future and try to take the best, most moral and of course, beneficial paths in life.  Sometimes, that path is fraught with danger and trouble, but deep down you know you were right  to embark on its course and can't understand what went wrong.

Take a step back and look at the bigger picture.  Look at when the barriers started to close your route, look at those around you at the time, look at what was happening  at that point in time.  You can be sure you will find answers.  Those who are suffering at this moment in time and  experiencing bad times, because of what is happening today,  are part of a much longer road, that they may  have forgotten about. A detour if you like!

When your eyes are opened up to the possibility of activities against your control, carried out by those who can not answer for their own actions, cover their tracks or lie their way out of situations, you finally become fully aware of what has happened to you.  Sometimes others will guide you to the right conclusions.  That is all well and good, but just make sure they are part of the solution, not the problem.  To take advice or someones word for something, without condition or proof is as reckless as the person who bought you down.  It is up to you to collect, preserve, educate, revise and seek help from those who actually know what is going on, have no self interest, speak clearly and logically and do not hide things from you.  That makes you wise and them unable to fully exploit you.

The biggest fear, most of us have in life is failure, it is natural.  Well if you knew myself and Jason, you would understand, we have been there before, many times.  We always took the wrong path in life.  If there was an obstacle, we would hit it, head long and we will always have to deal with the mistakes of the past.  We battle and fight, always.  We help others, get depressed, pick ourselves up and go through it all over again, time after time.  The thing is, we have never given up, we have always faced our fears and dealt with everything face on.  We have learned and continue to learn hard lessons, but those who know us, understand we are generous, open, willing, if not always able to help others.  We have both done it all our lives and will not stop doing it now.

Jason is suffering more than I at the moment.  It is my job to protect him.  I am watching his back to coin a phrase, because no one else is.  Just today I had to lock him in our lounge, to prevent him from harming himself.  Even when he threatened to knock me out, if I didn't let him walk out of the front door, I stood my ground.  We have looked out for each other for twenty years.  No matter what pain he goes through, I will equally share that burden with him.  As his now, husband, I regard my role as even more important than ever. 

As a homosexual, we come up against homophobia all the time.  You start to notice patterns in peoples behaviour.  You can tell when something is about to happen and you can detect campaigns of hatred towards yourself and others in your position.  We come up against discrimination all the time, so you prepare yourself for yet more trouble.  You closely watch those who seek to destroy you.  I can't stress enough, the importance of recognising patterns in behaviour, they are the key to you knowing the facts and being able to get out at the right time, not when you end up in your box.

I was thinking earlier, about the worst things that have ever happened to us on our journey.  Until Tuesday, my only long term goal was to marry the man I loved.  Getting there in one piece was a big challenge.  I believe we had to take our vows in front of our family and friends, because it finally shows people we mean business.  Nothing will ever separate us, not even homophobia, but we continue and will always suffer through others irrational fears, motives and prejudice, these are the worst things that have happened thus far!

Homophobia was not even on my mind until recently.  I had hoped we had moved on, as people, from the days when your sexuality was subject to abuse.  Well, those patterns have reared their head again and I had been so blind to it until until now.  I may well be gay, but gay's can fight too, it is built into our genes as sure as blood  flows through my veins.  When your life energy becomes dispersed over a larger area of conflict, you sometimes forget to take a closer look at circumstances.  Making oneself fully aware of why others cause harm to others and doing your research is important.  From what I have discovered, there is no logic to why others cause harm, it is just a fault in their wiring.  Luckily, most of us never experience the pain of abuse. If you are white and British, not disabled, ignored, alone, vulnerable or you are unaware of situations, unlike those who seek you out.  If you are clued up, streetwise, able to use loopholes or feel you have the god given 'RIGHT TO RULE' your 'HOOD', chances are you will never get hurt.  But Why?  Well, I think it is about people being scared or admit the truth about others.  Criminals are criminals through fear, they use it, to expect loyalty and exert rough justice on their victims.  To be honest, I've seen it all before and you can smell it.  I don't like it and like those who protect them even less, but I expect nothing less.

As someone who has suffered homophobic attacks, mental anguish, abuse and physical pain before, I am a little more clued up, though illness had stifled this for a while.  I am most certainly, more vulnerable now, than ever, though realisation and the protection of my partner are of the greatest importance.

It doesn't matter which way one turns sometimes, one has generally always become a victim.  I guess others can smell a victim as well.  My biggest asset is my writing, ability to read and research  and being the battler I have always been.  If you tell someone, just what your life has been like, they look at you with disbelief.  No ones life is that bad.  Well our lives together, merged into one has always been the subject of others destruction, so my continued awareness of any potential to destroy us is essential.

Seeing off future foes, being able to recognise those behavioural patterns, seeing through the gloss and avoiding the worst people in society, should help, both Jason and I deal with anything that comes our way.  Jason is a shadow of his former self.  He suffers every day and more. There are many reasons why he is in a worst state than I.  He looks older, has become far more timid and afraid and lacks strength.  So if the wolves come to our door, I will be there to see them off.  He would do the same for me, and has done, very recently.  I trust no one now, least of all anyone who keeps telling me to trust them.  Fuck off, that is what got us here in the first place.

Time to take a step back, reassess who is in our life and do what is appropriate.  It is time to put emotions away for a while, switch off and go with ones instinct.  Generally, in life I have always been wrong, I just hope this time I am not!