Big thank you, to all our friends who attended our Wedding!
This brings me neatly on to the subject of my family. My immediate relations were not thereon Tuesday, nor did I expect them to be. I did not invite them, and after past troubles with them, there was no point. They need to ask themselves, what exactly did they expect of me, because it sure as damn it wasn't good enough in there book, nothing ever was!
The important family members were all there. The ones that mean the most to me, have stuck by me and I have a huge amount of respect for them for it.
Cousin Rachel, Emmy and Rachel's daughter Ruby and Aunty Lipstick, Cher to my Dolly! They are the most important people in my family and stay in contact as much as they can. In fact I really can't fault them! Ruby was adorable at the Wedding looking for her Uncle Darren everywhere and always in need of a cuddle, which was something we all need from time to time!
It's funny, when one thinks back, to the advice, that certain people have given me, in recent times, about my family, not necessarily being blood, I sit back and wonder! A have many, many friends, akin to family, of course I do, but my family, who came to our Marriage, love me unconditionally, without reservation. When someone, whom you thought was a friend, tells you their own sob story and to off load those members of your family, who you are at logger heads with at that time, think about it very carefully! what are their motives? What are they going to get out of it? Further isolation for me? These people seek out others more vulnerable, for their own needs. When you finally ask for help or you say something out of turn, because you are unwell, they have gone! That is not what I regard as family. That is betrayal at the lowest level. I have met many people like that, also in very recent times, each one of them, is no longer there.
I write to get answers. Thoughts on paper, produce desired results. One day I will tell you a story of such a person, just not today!
We were unsure, if we would even manage to get married at various different stages. It has been touch and go since January, when I proposed to Jason. It got horrendously bad in April, with other issues taking priority. We could have cancelled many different times, but what sort of message does that send people? The negative impact of stopping our celebrations would have been felt, by us at least, for a life time. I am not a weak person. I am stronger and more determined now, than ever. I can take whatever is thrown my way, because I battle! I have battled to keep our relationship together, as has Jason, through its entirety. We have survived every challenge known to man and then some. If I am right, then I will do everything in my power to prove it.
I don't like to see friends, indeed anyone hurt, for no other reason than self gratification. No one should hurt anyone, least of all for personal gain or protection. When I am wrong, I hold my hands up to it. There is no point in hiding the fact, when you have made a mistake.
At my most ill, over a dozen times and counting, during the last six months, I have been given a lot of help and advice. Friends, always tell you how it is, not what you want to hear. Friends do not patronise or make you feel like someone you are not. They tell the TRUTH! The truth is important, because with lies and untruths you get no closure. You just get further pain, suffer more and never have an end to difficult phases in your life. Life is so precious. We all strive for bigger and better things, have aspirations for the future and try to take the best, most moral and of course, beneficial paths in life. Sometimes, that path is fraught with danger and trouble, but deep down you know you were right to embark on its course and can't understand what went wrong.
Take a step back and look at the bigger picture. Look at when the barriers started to close your route, look at those around you at the time, look at what was happening at that point in time. You can be sure you will find answers. Those who are suffering at this moment in time and experiencing bad times, because of what is happening today, are part of a much longer road, that they may have forgotten about. A detour if you like!
When your eyes are opened up to the possibility of activities against your control, carried out by those who can not answer for their own actions, cover their tracks or lie their way out of situations, you finally become fully aware of what has happened to you. Sometimes others will guide you to the right conclusions. That is all well and good, but just make sure they are part of the solution, not the problem. To take advice or someones word for something, without condition or proof is as reckless as the person who bought you down. It is up to you to collect, preserve, educate, revise and seek help from those who actually know what is going on, have no self interest, speak clearly and logically and do not hide things from you. That makes you wise and them unable to fully exploit you.
The biggest fear, most of us have in life is failure, it is natural. Well if you knew myself and Jason, you would understand, we have been there before, many times. We always took the wrong path in life. If there was an obstacle, we would hit it, head long and we will always have to deal with the mistakes of the past. We battle and fight, always. We help others, get depressed, pick ourselves up and go through it all over again, time after time. The thing is, we have never given up, we have always faced our fears and dealt with everything face on. We have learned and continue to learn hard lessons, but those who know us, understand we are generous, open, willing, if not always able to help others. We have both done it all our lives and will not stop doing it now.
As a homosexual, we come up against homophobia all the time. You start to notice patterns in peoples behaviour. You can tell when something is about to happen and you can detect campaigns of hatred towards yourself and others in your position. We come up against discrimination all the time, so you prepare yourself for yet more trouble. You closely watch those who seek to destroy you. I can't stress enough, the importance of recognising patterns in behaviour, they are the key to you knowing the facts and being able to get out at the right time, not when you end up in your box.
I was thinking earlier, about the worst things that have ever happened to us on our journey. Until Tuesday, my only long term goal was to marry the man I loved. Getting there in one piece was a big challenge. I believe we had to take our vows in front of our family and friends, because it finally shows people we mean business. Nothing will ever separate us, not even homophobia, but we continue and will always suffer through others irrational fears, motives and prejudice, these are the worst things that have happened thus far!
Homophobia was not even on my mind until recently. I had hoped we had moved on, as people, from the days when your sexuality was subject to abuse. Well, those patterns have reared their head again and I had been so blind to it until until now. I may well be gay, but gay's can fight too, it is built into our genes as sure as blood flows through my veins. When your life energy becomes dispersed over a larger area of conflict, you sometimes forget to take a closer look at circumstances. Making oneself fully aware of why others cause harm to others and doing your research is important. From what I have discovered, there is no logic to why others cause harm, it is just a fault in their wiring. Luckily, most of us never experience the pain of abuse. If you are white and British, not disabled, ignored, alone, vulnerable or you are unaware of situations, unlike those who seek you out. If you are clued up, streetwise, able to use loopholes or feel you have the god given 'RIGHT TO RULE' your 'HOOD', chances are you will never get hurt. But Why? Well, I think it is about people being scared or admit the truth about others. Criminals are criminals through fear, they use it, to expect loyalty and exert rough justice on their victims. To be honest, I've seen it all before and you can smell it. I don't like it and like those who protect them even less, but I expect nothing less.
As someone who has suffered homophobic attacks, mental anguish, abuse and physical pain before, I am a little more clued up, though illness had stifled this for a while. I am most certainly, more vulnerable now, than ever, though realisation and the protection of my partner are of the greatest importance.
It doesn't matter which way one turns sometimes, one has generally always become a victim. I guess others can smell a victim as well. My biggest asset is my writing, ability to read and research and being the battler I have always been. If you tell someone, just what your life has been like, they look at you with disbelief. No ones life is that bad. Well our lives together, merged into one has always been the subject of others destruction, so my continued awareness of any potential to destroy us is essential.
Seeing off future foes, being able to recognise those behavioural patterns, seeing through the gloss and avoiding the worst people in society, should help, both Jason and I deal with anything that comes our way. Jason is a shadow of his former self. He suffers every day and more. There are many reasons why he is in a worst state than I. He looks older, has become far more timid and afraid and lacks strength. So if the wolves come to our door, I will be there to see them off. He would do the same for me, and has done, very recently. I trust no one now, least of all anyone who keeps telling me to trust them. Fuck off, that is what got us here in the first place.
Time to take a step back, reassess who is in our life and do what is appropriate. It is time to put emotions away for a while, switch off and go with ones instinct. Generally, in life I have always been wrong, I just hope this time I am not!